Pre-Tournament Predictions and further Prognostication: New Years 2011 Edition

Yes, it is I, T-Dexxx, reporting from the field in my impressive garb.

As excited as I was about covering the SEBT tournament a few weeks ago, I am even more psyched for the club’s annual First Tournament (which, as you should know, was not named after the first day of the new year, but in honor of Adolphus Fürst—the first Amish-American to play in the National Subbuteo League in 1947.)

Now, there are certain things you can expect with the approach of New Year’s Eve. No, not the annual thawing and re-animation of Dick Clark, or an appearance by that national train-wreck known as Fergie (instead, let’s hope TV viewers are graced by a visitation from the angelic Justin Bieber, before either his voice or a sex scandal drops.) And no, I do not mean drinking excessively, and then vomiting the next morning from the smell of cooking pork-and-sauerkraut. And I certainly do not mean those infamous “New Year’s resolutions” to change one’s life for the better. Who the hell takes that crap seriously?

Of course, I am talking about the opening of the 1^st & 4^th Club 2011 Season, and my annual pre-tournament predictions. And without further ado, I will dispel them via a dozen not-so-rhetorical questions (see answers below):

1) How much “Avery-ing” will be tolerated?

2) Will Dutch hold serve on his home pitch, step on the throats of his challengers, claim the First Tournament title, and solidify his #1 Schettler Favorite Person Index Score (FPIS) going into 2011?

3) Will Avery or Dirty Nacho use the home field to their advantage, and launch themselves to the championship?

4) Will either Portugal or Cameroon appear?

5) Will there be an appearance by that most enigmatic of club members, the Blur?

6) Will an awkward tournament bracket force the Guest Player to actually play?

7) Will Der Tyrant command the field as strictly as his subjects, or will defensive woes again force him to adopt a strategy of “strip subbuteo”? And if the latter, just how many articles of clothing will he wear?

8) Will the Shake Weight restore HBS to his winning form, or will overuse reduce him of vim and vigor, rending his play as flaccid and chapped as a pelican’s pouch?

9) Will (H)BT represent his haute new moniker, or will one small miscue crush his soul and send him spiraling into a meltdown, again? Or will that happen to Dirty Nacho?

10) And speaking of more style than substance, will E’s squad of coyly-coifed fashionistas prove they can walk into the championship as surely as they do the runway?

11) Will Kaitlyn, the once "Heavily Favored," return to the top of the Schettler FPIS with a good showing in the tournament? Will anything less than a championship wrest #1 from Dutch? Or will she suffer the “Decker curse” and yet again be saddled with her overbearing, underwhelming brother?

12) Will Mark, the club president, win another tournament title and elude the cloud of suspicion surrounding his reign?

Most likely, nothing even remotely close to any of this will happen. One thing guaranteed, though: hot tub.

See you at the Rauenzahn Estate for First Tournament!

—T-Dexxx

Answer key:

1) Too much.

2) Yes, yes, no, yes.

3) Avery, yes; Dirty Nacho, no.

4) No, neither.

5) Maybe.

6) Probably.

7) No stripping, but it will be three items: flip-flops, t-shirt, and a thong.

8) The Shake Weight will not affect his game. His free time, however, will suffer.

9) Certainly not.

10) Yes. They have mad potential, yo.

11) No. Definitely not. And let’s hope not.

12) No title, but the rumors remain nonetheless.

A SEBT-acular Recap

Hello all,T-Dexxx here. With the opening tournament of the 2011 season fast approaching, let us look back at some recent 1^st & 4^th action, shall we?

* * *

They named themselves "SEBT Champions"; and at the end of the night, SEBT tournament champions they were. Ordinarily, such arrogance and presumption would garner excoriation in the press, stiff opposition from inspired opponents, and even a dose of paralyzing pressure upon one's pitch performance. If these factors were present, Mark and partner (not lover) Dutch didn't know and didn't care. They set themselves a goal--the title, and nothing less--and despite hours of crafting for Mark, and competitive basketball for Dutch, the team achieved that goal. By backing up such braggadocio with results, "SEBT Champions" now surely joins the annals of dick-ish sports prognostication:

- Joe Namath guaranteeing that his Jets would defeat the Colts in the 1969 Super Bowl

- Diego Maradona boasting that he would punch in a goal with his fist at the 1986 World Cup

- Babe Ruth betting reporters that he could hit a home run, eat a hot dog, and drink a beer every inning—a streak he maintained for 12 games in the summer of 1922.

Although not one of the jewels in the 1st & 4th Club "double crown" (ie., the tournaments on New Year's Eve/Day and the Fourth of July), the charity subbuteo tournament supporting SEBT (Society for Ethical Bivacuation Technique) was a major tourney held on Advent Day of Craft—which, alone, is an auspicious occasion. The tournament raised no funds for SEBT, but did raise greater awareness of bivacuation, the foul results of unethical technique, and the necessity of further research. However, as close as the charity is to the club president’s heart, he knows that in the end, it was all about getting our subbuteo on, dammit. And now, some of the highs (and lows) from the SEBT tourney:

-Der Tyrant, flummoxed by the Tea the Tiniest’s inability to deter Dutch from scoring, decided to strip off an article of clothing for each goal scored by his opponent. Thankfully, Der Tyrant dressed in layers on that wintry evening, and Dutch wisely checked his scoring at five goals, lest the Deutschland unterhose be revealed.

- Once again, Tom “Guest Player” Decker was compelled to play in the tournament. And who should he be partnered with, but none other than the mysterious Blur. (Yes, he does exist! He’s as real as you, me, or the chog.)

- The much-maligned technique of “Avery-ing” plagued matches featuring Avery, aka the Time Thief. As it is known, “Avery-ing” may include delaying the game through either slow play or inopportune pauses. But perhaps it should also include her peculiar ability to dribble the ball downfield while frequently missing it completely. In this case, a cunning use of speed (ironically) is her ally.

- Although paired again with that moody, thick-fingered brother of hers (for like the third tourney in a row!), Kaitlyn’s defensive skills—honed on the outdoor fields of western Maryland—carried "Decker … and The Revolution" into the semifinals. However, versus "SEBT Champions," frustration got the best of her, and she delivered a red card-worthy tackle to a Dutchman. Dutch handily scored as a result, the proverbial nail in the coffin for the dynamic Decker duo.

- The national teams of Cameroon and Portugal were missing from action, and are, for all intents and purposes, irretrievably lost. Did an “Alive-style” accident befall the boys from Portugal while flying over Newfoundland? (Has Christiano Ronaldo been forced to muss his hair while carving into the frozen corpse of his erstwhile reliable midfielder Deco? Let’s hope not.) And did the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon suffer from some sort of revenge-sabotage at the hands of their former manager, Otto Pfister? (It’s a conspiracy, I tells ya!)

- Gameplay became tense and epic, as a quarterfinal match between the "Swift Strikers" (Avery & E) and Tom Decker/Blur went into overtime. Even with an extra period, neither team could take the lead; so it fell to penalty kicks to determine a winner. After a dramatic flurry of kicks from each side, the Swift Strikers came out on top in what was surely an instant-classic.

-But, of course, they summarily lost to the likes of pre-tournament favorite, HBS and his solid partner Christian the Prodigy (aka. “Dirty Nacho”). And thus, HBS and his Manchester lads again found themselves in a subbuteo tournament final. But unlike tournaments past, he would not wear the laurel of victory or drink from the ambrosial cup of the gods.

- And while the championship game did not lack an intriguing backstory (father v. son, brother v. brother, cousin v. cousin) or drama (captured in a forthcoming film by the studio at E Productions), it did lack fans. The SEBT final was perhaps the most poorly attended of any tournament. Apparently, table-top flick-soccer just can’t hold the attention of club members in the face of Nazi-zombie killing and fake-band video games.

-And just one minor note: While in all other aspects the tournament run by the staff at the Millersville Subbuteo Arena (not to be confused with the multi-field Millersville Subbuteo Complex) was impeccable, there was a noticeable lack of a device for determining ball possession at the start of play. The club had once relied upon a simple, electronic randomizer—until a certain person touched it. And one would think that in a basement of a dozen people someone would have a coin—but no! After IDs and other sundry objects were tossed in a poor attempt at fairness, a flipping-coin computer application came to the rescue. However, despite the seemingly random and objective nature of this program, a human operator was necessary to convey the result of the digital coinflip—calling into question not only those results but the honesty of that human operator. An investigation is pending.

T-Dexxx out!

Meet the Players

Tom Decker, clown

An avid observer of the game, Tom Decker sometimes finds himself drawn into club tournaments not out of an interest in playing, but from a sheer lack of players to fill the bracket evenly. When opportunity knocks, he (reluctantly) answers.

Nickname: the “Guest Player”

Team: whichever is available

Zodiac: Gemini

Slogan: “Don’t suck.”