Hello all,T-Dexxx here. With the opening tournament of the 2011 season fast approaching, let us look back at some recent 1st & 4th action, shall we? * * *
They named themselves "SEBT Champions"; and at the end of the night, SEBT tournament champions they were. Ordinarily, such arrogance and presumption would garner excoriation in the press, stiff opposition from inspired opponents, and even a dose of paralyzing pressure upon one's pitch performance. If these factors were present, Mark and partner (not lover) Dutch didn't know and didn't care. They set themselves a goal--the title, and nothing less--and despite hours of crafting for Mark, and competitive basketball for Dutch, the team achieved that goal. By backing up such braggadocio with results, "SEBT Champions" now surely joins the annals of dick-ish sports prognostication:
- Joe Namath guaranteeing that his Jets would defeat the Colts in the 1969 Super Bowl
- Diego Maradona boasting that he would punch in a goal with his fist at the 1986 World Cup
- Babe Ruth betting reporters that he could hit a home run, eat a hot dog, and drink a beer every inning—a streak he maintained for 12 games in the summer of 1922.
Although not one of the jewels in the 1st & 4th Club "double crown" (ie., the tournaments on New Year's Eve/Day and the Fourth of July), the charity subbuteo tournament supporting SEBT (Society for Ethical Bivacuation Technique) was a major tourney held on Advent Day of Craft—which, alone, is an auspicious occasion. The tournament raised no funds for SEBT, but did raise greater awareness of bivacuation, the foul results of unethical technique, and the necessity of further research. However, as close as the charity is to the club president’s heart, he knows that in the end, it was all about getting our subbuteo on, dammit. And now, some of the highs (and lows) from the SEBT tourney:
-Der Tyrant, flummoxed by the Tea the Tiniest’s inability to deter Dutch from scoring, decided to strip off an article of clothing for each goal scored by his opponent. Thankfully, Der Tyrant dressed in layers on that wintry evening, and Dutch wisely checked his scoring at five goals, lest the Deutschland unterhose be revealed.
- Once again, Tom “Guest Player” Decker was compelled to play in the tournament. And who should he be partnered with, but none other than the mysterious Blur. (Yes, he does exist! He’s as real as you, me, or the chog.)
- The much-maligned technique of “Avery-ing” plagued matches featuring Avery, aka the Time Thief. As it is known, “Avery-ing” may include delaying the game through either slow play or inopportune pauses. But perhaps it should also include her peculiar ability to dribble the ball downfield while frequently missing it completely. In this case, a cunning use of speed (ironically) is her ally.
- Although paired again with that moody, thick-fingered brother of hers (for like the third tourney in a row!), Kaitlyn’s defensive skills—honed on the outdoor fields of western Maryland—carried "Decker … and The Revolution" into the semifinals. However, versus "SEBT Champions," frustration got the best of her, and she delivered a red card-worthy tackle to a Dutchman. Dutch handily scored as a result, the proverbial nail in the coffin for the dynamic Decker duo.
- The national teams of Cameroon and Portugal were missing from action, and are, for all intents and purposes, irretrievably lost. Did an “Alive-style” accident befall the boys from Portugal while flying over Newfoundland? (Has Christiano Ronaldo been forced to muss his hair while carving into the frozen corpse of his erstwhile reliable midfielder Deco? Let’s hope not.) And did the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon suffer from some sort of revenge-sabotage at the hands of their former manager, Otto Pfister? (It’s a conspiracy, I tells ya!)
- Gameplay became tense and epic, as a quarterfinal match between the "Swift Strikers" (Avery & E) and Tom Decker/Blur went into overtime. Even with an extra period, neither team could take the lead; so it fell to penalty kicks to determine a winner. After a dramatic flurry of kicks from each side, the Swift Strikers came out on top in what was surely an instant-classic.
-But, of course, they summarily lost to the likes of pre-tournament favorite, HBS and his solid partner Christian the Prodigy (aka. “Dirty Nacho”). And thus, HBS and his Manchester lads again found themselves in a subbuteo tournament final. But unlike tournaments past, he would not wear the laurel of victory or drink from the ambrosial cup of the gods.
- And while the championship game did not lack an intriguing backstory (father v. son, brother v. brother, cousin v. cousin) or drama (captured in a forthcoming film by the studio at E Productions), it did lack fans. The SEBT final was perhaps the most poorly attended of any tournament. Apparently, table-top flick-soccer just can’t hold the attention of club members in the face of Nazi-zombie killing and fake-band video games.
-And just one minor note: While in all other aspects the tournament run by the staff at the Millersville Subbuteo Arena (not to be confused with the multi-field Millersville Subbuteo Complex) was impeccable, there was a noticeable lack of a device for determining ball possession at the start of play. The club had once relied upon a simple, electronic randomizer—until a certain person touched it. And one would think that in a basement of a dozen people someone would have a coin—but no! After IDs and other sundry objects were tossed in a poor attempt at fairness, a flipping-coin computer application came to the rescue. However, despite the seemingly random and objective nature of this program, a human operator was necessary to convey the result of the digital coinflip—calling into question not only those results but the honesty of that human operator. An investigation is pending.
T-Dexxx out!
