official tourney poster by Der Tyrant

Socrates*

The final tournament of the 1^st & 4^th Club 2011 season attempted to bring greater awareness to the dangers of energy drink addiction and its ubiquity among our society.  You might think, “Hey, that’s a petty cause to support. That seems like some kind of “#firstworldproblem”—you know what I’m saying? Like, when I have to wait in line at the box office for my symphony tickets because some chimp temp couldn’t mail them to me—now I’m standing when I could be sitting down! My life’s so hard!” Wrong, just wrong. Rampant energy drink consumption is also a second world problem (where they’re manufactured in blatantly hazardous factories) and a third world problem (where empty cans are dumped and used as currency). See? It’s a global problem, and now you’re aware.

Actually, the charity cause of the annual Advent Day o’ Craft tournament only provided a ready theme to inspire team names. And as we all know, the quality of the team’s name usually indicates the quality of their performance.  However, the universal awesomeness of the names created after the team draw emphasized what was evident in the pairings themselves: the balance between teams was greater than ever—no clear favorite stood out, although Kaitlyn’s absence stuck out like a biologist at a cryptozoology conference.

(photographs courtesy of Mary "MVP" Beth)

Chog Division: Crackshot (E & HBT)

Monkey Punch (Firewrists & The Blur 2.0)

VenomShok (Dutch & Peyton)

Loveland Frog Division: BooKoo Krü (Muncle Mark & Mary Beth)

   Kool-Aid Supreme (Dirty Nacho & Têa)

   Miniscule Junk (Der Tyrant & Avery)

Each team descended to the Millersville Subbuteo Arena believing they had a shot at winning final championship of the year—that they would stand proudly before fallen foes and admiring peers, holding aloft their bitchin’ Monster Energy Drink-inspired trophies and soaking in the glory. How so, so wrong pretty much all of them were.

Yes, the opening group stage established who had the real flicking skills—and the play-in round confirmed who was severely lacking any form whatsoever. The cream soon rose to the top: Monkey Punch and BooKoo Krü each won their division and earned byes into the semi-finals. Actually, as an amateur cheesemonger, I’ll call them the curds (not to be confused with the Kurds). That left the whey—everyone else—to struggle for both those remaining semifinal spots and their dignity.

Devastated, HBT sports his guns as an ashamed Dutch flashes a knee

Crackshot and Venom Shok fell well short of the former, while HBT and Dutch came away with nothing regarding the latter. Yes, “Hero” Baby Tommy proved to be rather un-heroic outside of thwarting terrorist attacks. Netting not a single goal, both these teams got their just desserts with an early exit. Though impeccably stylish, Crackshot were hardly that on the pitch; and the Dutch destroyer—champion of last year’s SEBT Tournament on this same occasion—seemingly left his venom at home (truly a shock.) Had fatigue (an ironic lack of energy) contributed to these underwhelming performances? Dutch had played a basketball game earlier that day, but that hardly seemed problematic for his fellow ballers, Firewists and Dirty Nacho. However, in his comments after the devastating loss to a couple 10-year-old kids, HBT did allude to a certain weariness: “Wait, so you’re telling me Belgian ale is not an energy drink?”

Firewrists puts on a clinic for the kids

But let’s not dwell on these losers (they did get cake, after all). Rather, I should congratulate the valiant efforts of Kool-Aid Supreme and Miniscule Junk, who confidently took their one-goal leads into the semis … where they met more competitive opponents. Considering that his bid at a championship might not pan out, the young Dirty Nacho hedged his bets and attempted to “humblebrag” Kool-Aid Supreme into President’s Cup contention. Though cheeky and endearing his false modesty might have been, it earned him no points with Muncle Mark—only points earned on the pitch mattered. And the tween twins did make it a game against the Monkey Punch juggernaut, scoring a controversial goal to send the match into overtime. But no matter how juiced Dirty Nacho was on “energy-pops,” his animated play couldn’t contend with two unflappable former champions--especially The Blur, last seen hoisting the Bastard's Cup at the 4th Tourney. And although she couldn't shutout the reigning POY, Tea’s shot-blocking prowess had improved to the point where she’d managed to gain the lead in the Black Hole Hands competition. But with more matches ahead, she was bound to relinquish this title. And yet this gruesome twosome has proven they are no longer a perennial Cinderella story, but formidable contenders.

Miniscule Junk

More overtime drama ensued in the second semifinal game, as Miniscule Junk took BooKoo Krü though OT and into a penalty-kick shootout. No 1^st & 4^th Tourney is complete without a PK shootout, and this match remained undecided until Avery’s final shots. Though she missed the mark set by Mark, this former champion found consolation in the warm glow of her phone’s warming glow. However, the same cannot be said for either the Duraflame log smoldering in the fireplace, nor Der Tyrant’s coozied forefinger. While it is unlikely this training tool contributed (positively or negatively) to his flicking ability, Der Tyrant has reestablished his reign as a stylish trendsetter, though his fist may be more akin to Nerf than iron.

That's the Yule log?

The final match pitted several former champions, former teammates, and current fathers/sons against one another. And yet, who rose to the occasion? None other than Mary Beth, whose athletic prowess has previously earned her the 4th of July Wiffleball MVP ring. She put BooKoo Krü ahead with a masterful goal, and they looked ready to cruise away with the title. But Firewrists has seen more than his fair share of finals: he peppered his opponent's net with shots—propelling Muncle Mark to a Black Hold Hands title—and notched the equalizer in the closing minute of regulation. However, the favorites were not as indefatigable as once thought, and some OT heroics from Mary Beth won the championship for the Krü.

Champs!

Holding her trophy proudly aloft with one hand, Mary Beth tweeted her victory to the world with the other. Meanwhile, benevolent Muncle Mark bestowed the President’s Cup to those lovable losers, Crackshot—startling the team from their ennui. While this award remains controversial, it has been proposed that "Der Tyrant's Whip" shall be given to an appropriate team each tournament as a "reward" of some kind; the intangible criteria are yet to be determined. While he received no lashes for his near-victory, Firewrists’ 9 goals did earn him the coveted Golden Boot—fresh from the kiln. And speaking of crafts: even though immaculate trophies had been prepared for the occasion, no sign of the official Club colors was to be seen. Perhaps this oversight will be corrected in future tournaments.

Ah yes, future tournaments. All eyes are on the newly-renovated Collegeville Subbuteo Palace (complete with adjacent spa and bar & grill) as it prepares to host the inaugural event of 2012: the First Tournament, which will kick-off the national Clothe the “Elusive Naked Man” Campaign. Recently brought to the Club’s attention, the ENM can and will be clothed … should he ever be found. The 1^st & 4^th Club will keep up hope, and pledges to continue raising awareness of such maligned charitable causes. I mean, we all learned about energy drinks and their addictive properties … right?

Check back next week for my annual First Tournament predictions! Leave a comment and you’ll be entered to win a set of luxury box-seats at the CSP: 

artist's rendering



*You may have noticed that this correspondent has changed his avatar to Sócrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira. Though no less stylishly-hirsute than Paul Breitner, I feel that the recently-deceased Brazilian footballer, physician, political activist, and folk singer is more representative of me despite the fact that I am none of those.