Mission: To Eliminate Gangnam Style (or To Get 100 Million Blog Views by Using It in This Title)

Last summer, during a pre-coital moment, my former lover pulled up a YouTube video that she said I must see. Though she summarized an erudite attempt to parse the video’s subtext she’d read in a literary journal somewhere, she insisted that I just watch it—experience it—first. Four minutes later, and I had become viewer 12, 220, 810. Yes, I had survived another "significant" pop-culture benchmark, but I couldn’t help wonder just what I had lost during those few incomprehensible—yet danceable—minutes.

Five months (and one billion views) later, we have come to the verge of a new year—and a choice: will we, the 1^st & 4^th Subbuteo Club, stand idly by as Gangnam Style preys upon another year, or will we do something about it?

2012: A Subbuteo Odyssey

the corner of 1st and 4th ... the nexus of the universe?

 In defiance of doomsayers and lazy Mayan mathematicians, Existence persisted beyond 12/21/12 allowing us not only to cherish the holiday season (aka an orgy of consumer consumption and gluttony) but also to reflect on the past year while preparing for the next. I’m sure your lives are all interesting in their own ways, but honestly I couldn’t care less about your lingering ass-muscle injuries or trip to Cali, your creepy mustache or artsy film project, your latest musical or dance recital, your athletic or scholastic achievements, or even your new book, new house, new girlfriend or boyfriend (expect, that is, if you have a girl/boyfriend). It’s not that I’m not impressed, but this isn’t the time or place. The place is a Christmas letter, and the time is never. We’re here to talk Subbuteo, dammit. And as we settle into a cold, dark winter we need its bright flame of hope more than ever.

Subbuteo, and the 1st & 4th Club especially, had an amazing year of foreign adventure, unprecedented champions, epic league play, and more awareness of more causes than we were even aware.

The 2012 Beach Shield for Aquatic Mammalian Prolapsed Blowhole Awareness League Results

Team Name	Wins	Losses	Draws	Total Points	Goal Differential
	8	1	1	25	+14
	6	2	2	20	+13
	6	2	2	20	+7
	3	5	2	11	-2
	1	7	2	5	-16
	1	8	1	4	-14

Awards

Golden Boot: Harrison 

Black Hole Hands: Tim

President's Cup: Tim

Der Tyrant’s Whip: Carter

Nice job 1st & 4th!  You, yet again, raised awareness for another aquatic animal charity.  After all, the true winners are the Aquatic Mammals.



 And now you can re-live the drama:

The Retirement Wars

How will the Padawans learn if there is no Jedi Master to teach them? If Obi-wan had left the moisture farmer to get his butt kicked by the sand people, how would Luke Skywalker have become the sniveling little wank, crying for his daddy on the Death Star? All the while teddy bears with spears overthrowing the entire Empire by defeating some stormtroopers on Endor? But I digress.


Chaos will erupt at the table. “So this is how it ends…the debate over whether to polish the bases of the subbuteo players…not with the clack of a fast moving player connecting with the ball for a goal but with muffled felt as a player comes up short?

I say we put an end to The Retirement Wars. Can I get a “CONFIRMED”?


And where is Subbuteo Man in the Club's hour of crisis?

Breaking News: Muncle Mark (BAMF) Retires (WTF)

a thing of the past?

New York - Sources indicate that President-for-Life Muncle Mark will retire from competition in the 1st & 4th Subbuteo Club. Since no official statement has been released by his office, this reporter will take the liberty to spin out a story based on hearsay and conjecture alone.

Camp Hill will be in the House!!!

Camp Hill will descend upon Millersville like locusts.  Its players will be there physically, metaphorically, perhaps metaphysically, but most definitely sacracstically.  Two of the Camp Hill Lions "Other Varsity" Team all-stars pictured above will be showing up to unleash the dogs of war.  The Blur will be unveiling his new team, which at the same time will bring back his old team that has slumbered these last 23 years.  The Blue and White will take to the green, once more!  This is all thanks to our gracioius President. (The one in the brick house not the White House).  Thank you, Mark.

For the second year in a row all four Legacies will be present for the 4th of July Tournament.  What are the odds that these four could find themselves teamed up this year and in the Championship Match?  If that happens, it will be the first time in 16 years that the four Legacies all met on the field at the same time to square off for the title.

I look to be in that title match and retain ownership of the 4th of July trophy. 

BRING IT, Hobo Baby!!!!!!!!

The Unknown "4th of July" Tourney.

Der Tyrant's Korner: 7-2-12

The 4th of July! And nobody’s posted nothing. You guys suck.

Therefore, due to your lack of enthusiasm for the sport, I officially decree myself as the Ultimate Champion of the impending tournament, regardless of what happens on the fiery pitches of the Millersville (America’s Sorrow) Randy "Macho Man" Savage Memorial Subbuteo Stadium/Garage Where the Lawn Mower Goes to Die. As we all know, style counts for more than mere skill or points when it comes to amateur Subbuteo. And I have style in spades.

That said, as I’ve already won this unadvertised, uncharityed, unawarenessed tournament, I might as well take a few moments to “dis” the other players in our club. You know, the ones who are too busy or irresponsible to support our collective bit of the blogosphere. I’m looking at you, Mr. President. A broken butt bone doesn’t hinder the ability to type. Or you, Subbuteo Man. Just because you traipse around the world to volcanic islands in the middle of nowhere, doesn’t mean you can ditch your bloggerly duties. And, in a few years, I’ll be able to bust on Dirty Nacho as well because he’ll finally be old enough to take it. That’s right, Mr. Vice President, start looking for cover.

But anyway, here are my predictions in the battle for The Bastards’ Cup: I will win. That’s easy. And I might even win the Black Hole Hands Award and reject the President’s Award for like the tenth time. The Blur will succumb to a psychosomatic foot condition and end up sitting in the mint plants along the side of the garage, which might increase his shooting average by 4 or 5%. Neither Dutch nor Fire Wrist will be a threat as the dull days of summer mean that both of them now require twenty-six hours of sleep per day in order to function. HBT will be working in the NYC not far from the JC doing GKW with people who just got off the A, C, E or maybe the B or D, depending on whether the MTA is working or just being a bunch of SOBs. So, HBT is out of the running. As I mentioned previously, there are reports that The President has a broken ass, injured either during a charity game of kickball or by acid, I don’t know really know which. Tea and Dirty Nacho are still too short to hoist a major trophy filled with licorice. Ave and E are too focused on their phones to bring real defense or that other thing, what is it, offense, to the game. As for The Guest Playa, it’s always a crap shoot as to whether he’ll be needed to play at all, though he might be needed if Peyton blows a knee or throws a shoe in the early events of the day.

The only true contenders for this particular tournament: Mary Beth, who is itching to school people on the pitch but might burn too much energy trying to school them on the wiffle ball field, and the deadly combo, if Old Navy polo shirts are the measure of how deadly things are, of Will Plank and his ever growing son, C Train. Being of the Ohio strain of Subbuteo playin’, God only knows what sort of shenanigans they will bring to the game. And there’s the outside chance that they will have to play against one another, negating their Red State swing votes. That happened last year, with disastrous results.

Really, the only player in our entire club who I fear is Hobo Baby because he has a knife. But what are the odds of him showing up? I mean, he’s a hobo. And a baby.

The Bastards’ Cup will be mine.

Meet the Players: Dana

Nickname: The Ringer

Team: Philadelphia Union

Zodiac: Sagittarius

Slogan: “Impossible is nothing.”

How did you begin playing Subbuteo?

I walked into Carter’s (Dutch’s) basement, and his whole family was already playing. I don’t even like soccer—but I guess I’m good at whatever this is.

Dana has proven to be a fearless defender and tournament champion … despite never having never played Subbuteo before. (Or so she claims.)

First Tourney Re-cap? Confirmed!

For those privileged few to have been in attendance, you and I know that First Tournament lived up to its Gastby-esque billing (although no one did a cannon-ball into the hot tub from the deck.) I would say that not much more needs to be said … but I guess for my reader’s sake I’ll summon the energy to summarize the events of that epic night.

Final Tournament Standings:

1)       Lover’s Spat (Dutch & Dana)

2)       Seier (Firewrists & Mary)

3)       Decker Duo (Kaitlyn & HBT)

4)       Nine-Mounth-Old Cod-Piece (Muncle Mark & Der Tyrant)

5)       Magic Flippers (Dirty Nacho & The Blur)

6)       Falco (E & Jen$in)

7)       Chavery (Travis & Avery)

8)       Spanish Samurai (Petyon & Têa)

Golden Boot: Dutch (16 goals)

Black Hole Hands: Tea & Travis (10 saves each)

President’s Cup: Decker Duo

Tourney MVP: Dana

Der Tryrant’s Whip: not awarded (due to lack of qualified candidates)

2011 Player of the Year (aka MVP): Hobo Baby

There? Get it? That’s what happened. Boom.

Wait, what’s that? A box score doesn’t suffice? You what? You want a full narrative article? With humorous anecdotes, gripping drama, and witty observations? And pictures? Well, I thought you’d never ask.

Der Tyrant's Corner 1.4.12

Well that’s Football. Er… Subbuteo. I realize that it’s the 3rd or 4th of January and that means I should be writing about who will win the 2012 MVP of the 1st & 4th Club but I figure I might as well waste a few KB on last year’s MVP. No, it wasn’t me, though I am by far the front runner for the 2012 MVP because I’m awesome.

But allow me to shine a light upon the 2011 MVP of the 1st & 4th Club.

Meet Hobo Baby.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking, how could Hobo Baby, bindle-laden and carrying the stink of an abandoned dog, become the MVP for an entire season if he just entered the Club on the very last day of the year? Simple, when people started talking about who should be the official MVP, what with 2011 being our most organized season to date which I guess prompted the discussion… I looked at Hobo Baby, who was sharing the bar with me at the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace’s watering hole, Life’s a Pitch, and said, “This guy, Hobo Baby, he’s the MVP.” Being Der Tyrant, my word is law. And that was that. Boom.

Of course, Hobo Baby was stunned into silence. Sure, his mad-knife wielding skilz are well renowned. And who hasn’t spent time in his lean-to down by the river’s edge, eating dry bricks of ramen and downing flat Tom Collins mix… But it takes more than just charm to be the MVP in this club. As proven by The President’s Cup and Der Tyrant’s Whip, the awards that matter most in the 1st & 4th Club are those earned by Moxie, Grit, Goink, and (especially in reference to the Whip) Unnecessary Penalties. To shine in this Subbuteo league, you have to be a star.

And stellar is Hobo Baby. In fact, that’s the word that best describes his personality, on and off the pitch… well off the pitch for sure… I don’t think Hobo Baby has ever played Subbuteo but whatever… But the words: stinky, orphaned, sock-headed, toothless wonder, lantern-jawed, pee pipe using and hobo also best describe him. After that, I don’t really know anything else about him other than the fact that he’s shorter than I am, which again, proves that I am destined to be the MVP in 2012.

Hobo Baby receives a laurel and hardy handshake for his accomplishments from The President.

I’m sure that we’re going to enjoy Hobo Baby’s company at future tournaments. Or maybe we won’t. He’s a hobo, after all. But one thing I do know, he’s got a knife.

The First of them All

The holiday season is rife with annual traditions. Onions get stuffed; presents are meticulously opened and cataloged; pajamas are worn for days; trees are brought indoors and decorated; crafts are crafted ad nauseam; seasonal movies and songs air continuously; gloves are exchanged for some reason; pounds of ham and cookies are consumed; alcoholism is not only tolerated but encouraged; and, most importantly, there is much Subbuteo played.  

This time of year is especially special for the 1^st & 4^th Club since it brackets the end of one season and the opening of the new with the classic First Tournament. Though inspired by the democratic and egalitarian spirit at the core of the Club, this tournament has become anything but. That’s right, this is a tourney for the elite, the upper crust, the “one percent,” if you will. As much as it is about winning a major championship and a baller trophy, First Tournament is also about the glitz and glamor of New Year’s Eve.

Essentially, it’s the Yin to the 4^th Tourney’s Yang (or Wang, if you mean the fish.) There’s no sweating on a humid summer night in a carriage house, while enduring hours of competition after a day of races, barbeques, and Wiffleball games; no Mothra-sized insects to swat away from the pitch; no trouble from the Po-Po (not to be confused with Pop-Pop, who is a benevolent patron of the Club); and no homemade, bath-tub booze for refreshment. Rather, with the deluxe accommodations at the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, First Tournament is a celebration of elegance and class—displayed as much on the pitch as by the attendees of this gala event. Expect champagne and hot tubs, big-ass televisions and buffets, excess and revelry at its finest.   

In terms any student of American history would understand, First Tournament would receive Alexander Hamilton’s silk-gloved support, while Thomas Jefferson would feel more comfortable in the sweat-begrimed embrace of the 4^th Tournament, although neither would deign to actually participate. (Ben Franklin, on the other hand, would play to win.) Just as the Founders intended, there's one tournament for the People, and one for the Better People. Of course, all Club members are welcome to attend the First; however, not all will be receiving an embossed invitation. (Just kidding! But it seems like some of yours might have gotten lost in the mail.) Or if you’re a literary type, just imagine if Jay Gatsby threw a Subbuteo tournament. Yeah, it’s going to be almost as good as that.

But just how good? Well, let me toss out some questions and take a few guesses at what we might expect from our not-so-humble little tourney. 

1)       Will there be a veritable tsunami of goals, or will players again be paralyzed by high-stakes competition?

2)       Will Dutch regain his form on his home turf? Or will his brother Dirty Nacho, the heir-apparent, continue his hot streak and finally claim a tournament title?

3)       Will Firewrists shake off defeat in two consecutive tournament finals and rediscover his winning ways? Or will Muncle Mark claim a third title and extend a new Schettler Dynasty into 2012?

4)       Can Kaitlyn, after a Lazarus-like return from the dead, find her form after months off? Will she even find her team? The venue?

5)       Inspired by his new Cameroon water bottle, will HBT actually score a goal in competitive play, or will the collapse at the 4^th Tourney semifinals continue to haunt him in the new season?

6)       Will a Decker win a GD tournament? Are they so cursed that even being on Firewrists’ team will bring them no success? Or is Tea the Tiniest this lineage’s last great Subbuteo hope?

7)       With a bevy of female champions and participants this past season, will one (or two?!) lay claim to a First Tournament trophy?

8)       Can competitors eschew the many distractions of the CSP and focus on the tourney, or will they succumb to the siren-song of luxury?

9)       Will The Guest Playa or Chad be called on to compete? And if so, will either go on an unprecedented run to the finals, inspiring a hopeless and embattled nation just like Seabiscuit?

10) Will the President's Cup remain as controversial as ever, or will the awarding of Der Tyrant's Whip overshadow this once prestigious accolade?

11)   And perhaps most importantly of all, will the Elusive Naked Man be found and clothed? 

And if your name is on the A-list, be sure to bring your tux, your monocle or bling, your online date, and (of course) your game, fool!

T-Dexxx out!

Answers (feel free to comment with your own):

1)       Yes, over 60 goals will be scored. This works out to about 5 goals per player; however it is more likely that Firewrists will actually score the majority of these.

2)       Yes, and no. The brothers will meet in the final, but age and experience favor Dutch.

3)       Yes, and yes. This contradicts the answer to the previous question, but deal with it.

4)       Kaitlyn will be in attendance, however her form and team will remain missing.

5)       Confusing his water bottle for a flask, his tournament performance will again be impaired.

6)       Yes. No. Yes.

7)       Yes, but it won’t be who you expect.

8)       For some yes, for others no.

9)       Yes, but no—there’s only one Seabiscuit.

10)     Yes, but Der Tyrant will be a cruel arbiter of "success."

11)     No, he will remain nude and at-large.

Abstain in the Membrane!

 Apparently, despite her best efforts not to participate in the vote for the 1^st & 4^th Club official colors, Avery’s color nomination has managed to earn this blog a healthy viewership.

Her colors (“hot pink and death black”) are featured prominently in a Google Image search—on the very first page!—thus luring unsuspecting users into our blog and exposing them to the wholesome fun that is the sport of Subbuteo.

Don’t believe me? Search for "Where are pink and black on the color wheel?" and just see the results of the Google machine yourself. It's right there ... third row down ... left of center ... Booyah!

Keep rockin’ the Interwebs 1^st & 4^th!

official tourney poster by Der Tyrant

Socrates*

The final tournament of the 1^st & 4^th Club 2011 season attempted to bring greater awareness to the dangers of energy drink addiction and its ubiquity among our society.  You might think, “Hey, that’s a petty cause to support. That seems like some kind of “#firstworldproblem”—you know what I’m saying? Like, when I have to wait in line at the box office for my symphony tickets because some chimp temp couldn’t mail them to me—now I’m standing when I could be sitting down! My life’s so hard!” Wrong, just wrong. Rampant energy drink consumption is also a second world problem (where they’re manufactured in blatantly hazardous factories) and a third world problem (where empty cans are dumped and used as currency). See? It’s a global problem, and now you’re aware.

Actually, the charity cause of the annual Advent Day o’ Craft tournament only provided a ready theme to inspire team names. And as we all know, the quality of the team’s name usually indicates the quality of their performance.  However, the universal awesomeness of the names created after the team draw emphasized what was evident in the pairings themselves: the balance between teams was greater than ever—no clear favorite stood out, although Kaitlyn’s absence stuck out like a biologist at a cryptozoology conference.

(photographs courtesy of Mary "MVP" Beth)

Chog Division: Crackshot (E & HBT)

Monkey Punch (Firewrists & The Blur 2.0)

VenomShok (Dutch & Peyton)

Loveland Frog Division: BooKoo Krü (Muncle Mark & Mary Beth)

   Kool-Aid Supreme (Dirty Nacho & Têa)

   Miniscule Junk (Der Tyrant & Avery)

Each team descended to the Millersville Subbuteo Arena believing they had a shot at winning final championship of the year—that they would stand proudly before fallen foes and admiring peers, holding aloft their bitchin’ Monster Energy Drink-inspired trophies and soaking in the glory. How so, so wrong pretty much all of them were.

Energy Drinks & Subbuteo: a Winning Combination

learning from the best: Barca vs. Real

With only a few days of preparation left before the 1^st & 4^th Club’s annual Advent charity tournament promoting Energy Drink Addiction Awareness, I must take advantage of what precious little time I have available to train at the office. As you can see, despite taking on full-time employment for the world's best damn orchestra, my training regimen has not slackened (“fagged out,” if you will.) While Mandy and Tim waste their time and energy on athletic pursuits, I sit squarely on my arse honing my already deadly-precise long-range shots. No matter how far my player may be, if that ball’s inside the shot line, you might as well not defend with your goalkeeper—your time would be better spent figuring out how to hide the look of embarrassment on your face after I’ve scored.

And to what do I owe such vim & vigor? My accumulated rage from never winning a single 1^st & 4^th Club tournament—despite my countless hours of zen visualization exercises, tactical research, and meticulous post-tourney blog posts? No, just that good old, tried-and-true energy drink: coffee (and Bailey’s.) Yep, there’s nothing like a little morning afternoon evening midnight cup o’ joe to keep me going. Energy drink addiction is a necessary evil, though we can never be too aware of its dangers. That being said ...

Grab your Bawls, capture a Monster, wrangle a Red Bull, party like a Rockstar, plug in to an Amp, or else grind up some guarana and smear it on your gums: it’s going to be a long tournament for some (but an infuriatingly short one for most) and we better be juiced to the best of our ability.

And remember, this is LAST opportunity to present your case to the committee before the 2011 1^st & 4^th Club player awards--leave it all on the pitch, cause's its not just Santa who's checking a list.

 --HBT