(If you ask me, that is. But you don’t have to, ‘cause I’m gonna straight-up tell you like it is, fool.)
Apparently, several governing bodies of gigantized, or human, subbuteo (a.k.a. football, or “soccer”) have incorporated a “vanishing spray” for referees to mark the ball and the defensive wall for the direct free-kick following a foul call. The disappearing white substance marring pitches all over the Americas charmed the New World this summer, and looks set to enamor the more conservative leagues of the Old. Proponents of the spray emphasize its ease of use, ephemeral nature, and the ensuing increase in the speed and fairness of play. Sure, sure: ease, speed, and impermanence are all well and good. And for these reasons numerous (Droves, I say! Droves!) of officials, players, and commentators advocate its adoption by the sport of Subbuteo. But, fairness? When has Subbuteo ever, or ever wanted to, enforce and promote a doctrine of fair play—where only speed, skill, and experience separate players on the pitch? Frankly, it's clear that gigantized subbuteo has finally fallen from the purer faith, and deserves a place in Hell somewhere between Judas, Hitler, and bin Laden.
I know I do not speak for the entirety of the illustrious 1st & 4th Club—I am merely a pundit, commentator, and reporter of the web-log variety. But, they should listen up right quick (lest I crush my soapbox): Subbuteo has long embraced and encouraged anything and everything short of outright cheating. It’s because of these intangible factors that games are won at all. If this temporary fad becomes a permanent stain, then what’s next?
Shall we eliminate smack-talk? Then we might as well end this blog.
Performance-enhancing drugs? Of course we want to see juiced super-athletes having their way with inferior “clean” opponents—that’s the American way, dammit! (The Founders intended the “S” in USA to stand for “Subbuteo”. And it's a fact that Ben Franklin was known as a prolific scorer on the pitch--and with the ladies.)
Encroachment on free-kicks? That’s just enthusiastic play, a defensive spirit to be lauded not punished.
And what of the opposite: players using their wide hand-spans to nudge their opponents marking pieces way-the-hell beyond a reasonable 10 “micro-yard” mark? That’s merely an extension of their physical attributes, and a time-honored method of gamesmanship.
Look, the pitch is level for all players, whether they are young or old, short or tall, crass or angelic, good at Subbuteo or … not so much. They have a fair chance to play—and we encourage rampant participation in tournaments and other club functions*, even to the detriment of our elitism. Fairness of play is the cornerstone of this club—and that ain’t vanishing anytime soon.
T-Dexxx out!
*Including, but not limited to: car washes, bake sales, cryptid hunts, showering British naval officers, gorging on Subway sandwiches, playa-hating, shooting Nazi-zombies, making short films, and sometimes blogging.
