"Whispers from the Lion's Hole..."

Saturday December 20, 2014:

Tragic Sexual Accidents Awareness, Advent Day of Craft Subbuteo Tournament

 

 

As I sink into a LoveSac while watching football in the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, I have not yet recovered from my defeat in the TSA Finals. So, what better way to cope with my emotional strains than to blog and reflect on said tournament? This year's Craft Day Subbuteo Spectacular was certainly one of the more entertaining, and exhausting, tournaments in recent memory. Those in attendance, all 3.5 people, experienced a myriad of "dick" moves accompanied by shoddy time/stat-keeping, Jed Croch's Duran Duran playlist, Lee Mason's poor officiating, whispers from Adam's lion hole, and constant deception from shemale squid balls. Naturally, these conditions made for a grand display of subbuteo during which I made a number of lasting observations:

 



1. Elizabeth's black-hole-hands dominance: On a night during which E earned the Whip and perhaps least embodied the game of subbuteo, she displayed goalkeeping form that the club has never before seen. A record setting number of saves and an "I don't know how I did that" attitude helped propel Qiqurn to the semifinals.
2. New 1st & 4thers shine: Both Dara and Jed Croch showed great skill throughout their first tournament. Dara consistently used her finesse flicks and goalkeeper to stonewall oncoming attackers, most notably HBT. Likewise, Jed Croch displayed an amazingly strong finger along with a knack for cleverly passing the ball out of his own defensive third. For the good of the club, we can only hope that these newly promoted members will continue to showcase their raw talent.
3. Harrison goes winless: likely for the first time ever, the most decorated 1st and 4th member, Fire Wrists failed to register a point. The morning following the tournament, the Millersville Daily Times reported that rumors of retirement for the decorated HBS were swirling. Is there any truth to these reports? Unlikely. However, 1st & 4th followers cannot ignore these allegations.
4. Dark Munch (Dutch & BAMF) and DJay HBT Plan B (Blur & HBT) played a dazzler in the semifinals. This match truly embodied the beautiful game of subbuteo, and all things Corinthian. However, to the surprise of few, the only spectator in attendance was Jayne, a generally anti-subbuteo Mom who protested by sleeping through the match.
5. Dirty Nacho came, crafted, and conquered: the amazingly cocky, or should I say sucky, display of etching his own initials into the Golden Boot should have been a warning sign to all other TSA participants. DN, along with Peyton, collected three wins in the preliminary rounds and continued their winning ways throughout the knockout stages. This marks the first ever tournament championship for the young Vice BAMF, and indeed may be the first of many.

Another successful Craft Day came and went, and another second place medal was added to my trophy case. Luckily, the winter subbuteo season sees the TSA tournament closely followed by the much anticipated 1st tournament. I am very much looking forward to that showcase, as well as the opportunity to redeem myself and throttle Dirty Nacho into a rage-induced vomit.

-God save our 1st & 4th-

Dutch

Our Club History Made Fun-ish.

The question was raised, by Der Tyrant during a sleepless night of hellish construction in the JC, as to where the term “1^st & 4^th” originated? It is an important question and I, Der Tyrant, decided it needed to be addressed for the good of the Club.

Instead of looking up the etymology of the phrase in some nasty-ass rag like the OED, I decided to do my research using the most reliable tool ever invented by the humankind to disseminate facts, La Internet, the official online service of France and all French Protectorates (like the village of Perdix or Lemoyne, formerly Bridgeport). Here’s what I found on La Internet:

The first 1^st & 4^th-er ever recorded was a dandy, foppish man known as Lord Carmichael Chesterton “Kinky Foote” Billingbigglesston IV from the county of Cokfix (pronounced: suck-burg). Very little is known about Kinky Foote, his ancestry is a tangled mess of lepers, fresh water pirates and provincial cork-sockers. It was thought he was born in 1620 to a mother and father, that he lived and then died; though there is scant evidence to support any of these claims. His greatest achievement was to be mentioned in a 1658 Miss Whickem’s Whig Worshiper and Prossitutie Press broadsheet flyer thought to be a teaching tool for children. It was also in this flyer where the term “1^st & 4^th” makes it’s debut into the English language:

“And Kinky Foote, being thrice abused by a witch, aye, his handsome wife and Satan Lover, birth-er to his swarmy spawn of his filthy loins, did take upon hisself to drink a flagon of water! And upon such delugement of his thirst, tromped unholylike to the establishment of Peter Peters of Petertown wherein he did 1^st & 4^th before the eyes of God, the King and assembled gentry until such time as the bloody flux did remove him from the mortal soil of England, a bivacuated and empty husk. “

It is unknown what “1^st & 4^th” meant, but it is widely believed, by scholars and academics to be slightly better than “2^nd & 4^th”, which is referred to in the Portuguese tongue as ‘Scholppy Seconding’.

Apparently, more research will need to be done by Club members as well as refinements made to the French online services…

Anyway…

With the coming of Craft Day, the holiest of holidays of the year, we prepare, once more, to do battle upon the green pitch of the Millersville FC and environs.

Before I get rolling with my predictions and trash talk, let me take a moment to re-inform you of the celebrated victory of Der Tyrant and The Blur during the Classic 4^th tourney. Despite cold, insects and firework’s fume inhalation, the duo of Subbuteo Legacy players led their team of German all-stars and JV high school flunkies to the heights of 1^st & 4^th lore. As the years pass, The Blur has become a death dealing god of offensive fury. Sure, there are times when no one know what the hell is going on, but for The Blur it’s always everyone up for every second of the seven minute half. Even down by a score or two, he’s always prepared to give it what it takes to land a victory or save a tie (which I consider just as useless as a loss but Dutch informs me that ties do matter in the “standings”… whatever). Add Der Tyrant’s stubborn defense and you have the recipe for greatness. Of course, Der Tyrant doesn’t win a lot of Black Hole Hand awards but he doesn’t win a lot of President’s Cups (now call the Corinthian Cup) either. All he wins are Classic tournaments.

With that out of the way, let’s talk Tragic Sexual Accident Awareness Subbuteo nonsense. Let’s see… It’s speculated the following 1^st & 4^th-ers will be participating in the TSA tourney: The President (unretired), Der Tyrant, The Blur, Dutch, Fire Wrists, Kaitlyn, HBT, Tea, E, Ave, Dirty Nacho and perhaps the Guest Playa along with outliers of the league. Not since July 4^th has there been such a more hotly anticipated contest of skill, will and wit.

Will Fire Wrists and Tea continue to battle for the coveted Black Hole Hands title? Is The Blur becoming one of the offensive (technically not verbally) wonders of the league? Are we at the threshold of Dirty Nacho’s rise to prominence? Will Elizabeth and Avery ever care enough to stay focused for the entire duration of a tournament? Will Der Tyrant continue his masterful ass kicking? And, most important, will our efforts cause more tragic sexual accidents than they prevent?