The First of them All

The holiday season is rife with annual traditions. Onions get stuffed; presents are meticulously opened and cataloged; pajamas are worn for days; trees are brought indoors and decorated; crafts are crafted ad nauseam; seasonal movies and songs air continuously; gloves are exchanged for some reason; pounds of ham and cookies are consumed; alcoholism is not only tolerated but encouraged; and, most importantly, there is much Subbuteo played.  

This time of year is especially special for the 1^st & 4^th Club since it brackets the end of one season and the opening of the new with the classic First Tournament. Though inspired by the democratic and egalitarian spirit at the core of the Club, this tournament has become anything but. That’s right, this is a tourney for the elite, the upper crust, the “one percent,” if you will. As much as it is about winning a major championship and a baller trophy, First Tournament is also about the glitz and glamor of New Year’s Eve.

Essentially, it’s the Yin to the 4^th Tourney’s Yang (or Wang, if you mean the fish.) There’s no sweating on a humid summer night in a carriage house, while enduring hours of competition after a day of races, barbeques, and Wiffleball games; no Mothra-sized insects to swat away from the pitch; no trouble from the Po-Po (not to be confused with Pop-Pop, who is a benevolent patron of the Club); and no homemade, bath-tub booze for refreshment. Rather, with the deluxe accommodations at the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, First Tournament is a celebration of elegance and class—displayed as much on the pitch as by the attendees of this gala event. Expect champagne and hot tubs, big-ass televisions and buffets, excess and revelry at its finest.   

In terms any student of American history would understand, First Tournament would receive Alexander Hamilton’s silk-gloved support, while Thomas Jefferson would feel more comfortable in the sweat-begrimed embrace of the 4^th Tournament, although neither would deign to actually participate. (Ben Franklin, on the other hand, would play to win.) Just as the Founders intended, there's one tournament for the People, and one for the Better People. Of course, all Club members are welcome to attend the First; however, not all will be receiving an embossed invitation. (Just kidding! But it seems like some of yours might have gotten lost in the mail.) Or if you’re a literary type, just imagine if Jay Gatsby threw a Subbuteo tournament. Yeah, it’s going to be almost as good as that.

But just how good? Well, let me toss out some questions and take a few guesses at what we might expect from our not-so-humble little tourney. 

1)       Will there be a veritable tsunami of goals, or will players again be paralyzed by high-stakes competition?

2)       Will Dutch regain his form on his home turf? Or will his brother Dirty Nacho, the heir-apparent, continue his hot streak and finally claim a tournament title?

3)       Will Firewrists shake off defeat in two consecutive tournament finals and rediscover his winning ways? Or will Muncle Mark claim a third title and extend a new Schettler Dynasty into 2012?

4)       Can Kaitlyn, after a Lazarus-like return from the dead, find her form after months off? Will she even find her team? The venue?

5)       Inspired by his new Cameroon water bottle, will HBT actually score a goal in competitive play, or will the collapse at the 4^th Tourney semifinals continue to haunt him in the new season?

6)       Will a Decker win a GD tournament? Are they so cursed that even being on Firewrists’ team will bring them no success? Or is Tea the Tiniest this lineage’s last great Subbuteo hope?

7)       With a bevy of female champions and participants this past season, will one (or two?!) lay claim to a First Tournament trophy?

8)       Can competitors eschew the many distractions of the CSP and focus on the tourney, or will they succumb to the siren-song of luxury?

9)       Will The Guest Playa or Chad be called on to compete? And if so, will either go on an unprecedented run to the finals, inspiring a hopeless and embattled nation just like Seabiscuit?

10) Will the President's Cup remain as controversial as ever, or will the awarding of Der Tyrant's Whip overshadow this once prestigious accolade?

11)   And perhaps most importantly of all, will the Elusive Naked Man be found and clothed? 

And if your name is on the A-list, be sure to bring your tux, your monocle or bling, your online date, and (of course) your game, fool!

T-Dexxx out!

Answers (feel free to comment with your own):

1)       Yes, over 60 goals will be scored. This works out to about 5 goals per player; however it is more likely that Firewrists will actually score the majority of these.

2)       Yes, and no. The brothers will meet in the final, but age and experience favor Dutch.

3)       Yes, and yes. This contradicts the answer to the previous question, but deal with it.

4)       Kaitlyn will be in attendance, however her form and team will remain missing.

5)       Confusing his water bottle for a flask, his tournament performance will again be impaired.

6)       Yes. No. Yes.

7)       Yes, but it won’t be who you expect.

8)       For some yes, for others no.

9)       Yes, but no—there’s only one Seabiscuit.

10)     Yes, but Der Tyrant will be a cruel arbiter of "success."

11)     No, he will remain nude and at-large.

Abstain in the Membrane!

 Apparently, despite her best efforts not to participate in the vote for the 1^st & 4^th Club official colors, Avery’s color nomination has managed to earn this blog a healthy viewership.

Her colors (“hot pink and death black”) are featured prominently in a Google Image search—on the very first page!—thus luring unsuspecting users into our blog and exposing them to the wholesome fun that is the sport of Subbuteo.

Don’t believe me? Search for "Where are pink and black on the color wheel?" and just see the results of the Google machine yourself. It's right there ... third row down ... left of center ... Booyah!

Keep rockin’ the Interwebs 1^st & 4^th!

official tourney poster by Der Tyrant

Socrates*

The final tournament of the 1^st & 4^th Club 2011 season attempted to bring greater awareness to the dangers of energy drink addiction and its ubiquity among our society.  You might think, “Hey, that’s a petty cause to support. That seems like some kind of “#firstworldproblem”—you know what I’m saying? Like, when I have to wait in line at the box office for my symphony tickets because some chimp temp couldn’t mail them to me—now I’m standing when I could be sitting down! My life’s so hard!” Wrong, just wrong. Rampant energy drink consumption is also a second world problem (where they’re manufactured in blatantly hazardous factories) and a third world problem (where empty cans are dumped and used as currency). See? It’s a global problem, and now you’re aware.

Actually, the charity cause of the annual Advent Day o’ Craft tournament only provided a ready theme to inspire team names. And as we all know, the quality of the team’s name usually indicates the quality of their performance.  However, the universal awesomeness of the names created after the team draw emphasized what was evident in the pairings themselves: the balance between teams was greater than ever—no clear favorite stood out, although Kaitlyn’s absence stuck out like a biologist at a cryptozoology conference.

(photographs courtesy of Mary "MVP" Beth)

Chog Division: Crackshot (E & HBT)

Monkey Punch (Firewrists & The Blur 2.0)

VenomShok (Dutch & Peyton)

Loveland Frog Division: BooKoo Krü (Muncle Mark & Mary Beth)

   Kool-Aid Supreme (Dirty Nacho & Têa)

   Miniscule Junk (Der Tyrant & Avery)

Each team descended to the Millersville Subbuteo Arena believing they had a shot at winning final championship of the year—that they would stand proudly before fallen foes and admiring peers, holding aloft their bitchin’ Monster Energy Drink-inspired trophies and soaking in the glory. How so, so wrong pretty much all of them were.

Energy Drinks & Subbuteo: a Winning Combination

learning from the best: Barca vs. Real

With only a few days of preparation left before the 1^st & 4^th Club’s annual Advent charity tournament promoting Energy Drink Addiction Awareness, I must take advantage of what precious little time I have available to train at the office. As you can see, despite taking on full-time employment for the world's best damn orchestra, my training regimen has not slackened (“fagged out,” if you will.) While Mandy and Tim waste their time and energy on athletic pursuits, I sit squarely on my arse honing my already deadly-precise long-range shots. No matter how far my player may be, if that ball’s inside the shot line, you might as well not defend with your goalkeeper—your time would be better spent figuring out how to hide the look of embarrassment on your face after I’ve scored.

And to what do I owe such vim & vigor? My accumulated rage from never winning a single 1^st & 4^th Club tournament—despite my countless hours of zen visualization exercises, tactical research, and meticulous post-tourney blog posts? No, just that good old, tried-and-true energy drink: coffee (and Bailey’s.) Yep, there’s nothing like a little morning afternoon evening midnight cup o’ joe to keep me going. Energy drink addiction is a necessary evil, though we can never be too aware of its dangers. That being said ...

Grab your Bawls, capture a Monster, wrangle a Red Bull, party like a Rockstar, plug in to an Amp, or else grind up some guarana and smear it on your gums: it’s going to be a long tournament for some (but an infuriatingly short one for most) and we better be juiced to the best of our ability.

And remember, this is LAST opportunity to present your case to the committee before the 2011 1^st & 4^th Club player awards--leave it all on the pitch, cause's its not just Santa who's checking a list.

 --HBT

Subbuteo: Coming to a basement near you!

The 1st & 4th Club knows no bounds. 

As you may recall, Subbuteo Man ventured north to the wilds of Canada as an ambassador for the Club and its Sport. Although the native fauna gave him a lukewarm reception, his expedition exemplified the endeavoring and enthusiastic spirit of the Club, squirrels be damned.

The Club even welcomed new participants from far and near at the 4th Tournament: a pair of Ohioans (and long-lost Club members), Will "the Thrill" Plank and his son "C-Train", as well as Shadrock, a star runner at the local high school. Undaunted by the seasoned elite of the Club, they all distinguished themselves ably on the pitch.

Even the playing surface itself—hallowed ground and witness to countless victories and defeats—has gone far afield. Actually, the table was moved just down the street so as to be more accessible to Grandma’s Thanksgiving spread. But nonetheless, the appearance of a Club-sanctioned Subbuteo pitch outside the traditional facilities (“da Villes” as they’re known) was a historic occasion marked by an equally historic outcome in the opening match. As our ecstatic sideline correspondent wrote:

“Subbuteo Game Re-cap (11/23/11):

Muncle Mark: 6 – Dirty Nacho: 1

In the first Subbuteo game played on Charlotte Street in 1^st & 4^th history, the elder won over the neophyte; however, Dirty Nacho, completely against the run of play, did manage one tally of which he has been bragging ever since.”

Later, it became known that President-for-Life Mark had named the precocious Dirty Nacho as his successor. Had the boy’s plucky goal inspired this decision? Or was it merely the result of tryptophan affecting the Presidential noggin? Rather, it seems that DN had observed closely and learned the secret art of constructing a Subbuteo pitch from the master himself. With this knowledge—and his youthful swagger—the Club will be in good hands as it thrives and develops for years to come.


T-Dexxx out!

The People Have Spoken!

After weeks of polling, regional sentiment has triumphed over aesthetics in the Ultimate Vote on the 1^st & 4^th Club colors.  Although it required a blend of subtle coercion and free democracy, eventually all dues-paying club members registered their vote with the Club election committee. These votes were then tacked onto a dart board by Bigfoot, the committee chairman; whereupon, a poo-slinging Chog chose the winner with a single throw. And the winner is …

Decision 2011! (and popularity counts)

In the interest of this Club, and the promotion of democracy (as a counter-force to Der Tyrant's authoritarian decrees), we shall have ourselves a vote to determine the representative colors for our beloved Subbuteo club. These colors will be featured on club paraphernalia, scarves, and other future apparel. (See also "Der Tyrant's Corner," July 29th edition.) Although, what can best our totally DIY (and totally bad-ass) club shirts? Only time will tell.

The ballot is below. Select the letter of the color palate you feel will best represent and distinguish the Club, and please reply to either Der Tyrant or HBT via text message, email, or in a comment on this post. An interpretive key has been provided so you may better grasp the provenance of the colors. Should you have any difficulty understanding this ballot, do not hesitate to contact us, if you must. This is your chance to have your say, so speak up--or shut up. The polls will be open for two weeks.* Best of luck, and may the best color win!

THE OFFICIAL BALLOT 

(click to embiggen)

A) “like a bruise”: black, purple, and blue

B) Sky blue (Netherlands alternate uniform), “black-hole hands” black, and white white white

C) Hot pink & death black

D) Blue, blue, and blue

E) Pennsylvania farmland green, Chesapeake Bay blue, and New Jersey smog grey

F) Loveland Frog green, Millserville Chimney Monster black, and Sasquatch brown

G) “black-hole hands” black, "white like my soul," and Pantone 19-1763 red

H) Baltimore Orioles orange, black, and white

I) Not quite light and not quite dark brown, orange, and egg-shell white

J) Tradewind blue, original Post-It yellow, and iBook white

K) Shark blue & Subbuteo Man green

L) Philadelphia Union blue & Real Madrid gold

M) "Subbuteo colors": red, blue, and olive green





*After one week without a reply, you will be harassed until you vote. Do not let it come to this. We cannot let the terrorists win.   

Vanishing spray? More like vanishing 'ethics'!

(If you ask me, that is. But you don’t have to, ‘cause I’m gonna straight-up tell you like it is, fool.)

Apparently, several governing bodies of gigantized, or human, subbuteo (a.k.a. football, or “soccer”) have incorporated a “vanishing spray” for referees to mark the ball and the defensive wall for the direct free-kick following a foul call. The disappearing white substance marring pitches all over the Americas charmed the New World this summer, and looks set to enamor the more conservative leagues of the Old. Proponents of the spray emphasize its ease of use, ephemeral nature, and the ensuing increase in the speed and fairness of play. Sure, sure: ease, speed, and impermanence are all well and good. And for these reasons numerous (Droves, I say! Droves!) of officials, players, and commentators advocate its adoption by the sport of Subbuteo. But, fairness? When has Subbuteo ever, or ever wanted to, enforce and promote a doctrine of fair play—where only speed, skill, and experience separate players on the pitch? Frankly, it's clear that gigantized subbuteo has finally fallen from the purer faith, and deserves a place in Hell somewhere between Judas, Hitler, and bin Laden.

I know I do not speak for the entirety of the illustrious 1^st & 4^th Club—I am merely a pundit, commentator, and reporter of the web-log variety. But, they should listen up right quick (lest I crush my soapbox): Subbuteo has long embraced and encouraged anything and everything short of outright cheating. It’s because of these intangible factors that games are won at all. If this temporary fad becomes a permanent stain, then what’s next?

Shall we eliminate smack-talk? Then we might as well end this blog.

Performance-enhancing drugs? Of course we want to see juiced super-athletes having their way with inferior “clean” opponents—that’s the American way, dammit! (The Founders intended the “S” in USA to stand for “Subbuteo”. And it's a fact that Ben Franklin was known as a prolific scorer on the pitch--and with the ladies.)

Encroachment on free-kicks? That’s just enthusiastic play, a defensive spirit to be lauded not punished.

And what of the opposite: players using their wide hand-spans to nudge their opponents marking pieces way-the-hell beyond a reasonable 10 “micro-yard” mark? That’s merely an extension of their physical attributes, and a time-honored method of gamesmanship.

Look, the pitch is level for all players, whether they are young or old, short or tall, crass or angelic, good at Subbuteo or … not so much. They have a fair chance to play—and we encourage rampant participation in tournaments and other club functions*, even to the detriment of our elitism. Fairness of play is the cornerstone of this club—and that ain’t vanishing anytime soon.

T-Dexxx out!

*Including, but not limited to: car washes, bake sales, cryptid hunts, showering British naval officers, gorging on Subway sandwiches, playa-hating, shooting Nazi-zombies, making short films, and sometimes blogging.

Der Tyrant’s Corner July 29th, 2011 AD

Darling 1^st & 4^thers,

I hope this finds you all well.

As we grow better faster stronger in our play of the sport of Subbuteo, it makes me think that we’re missing something. We have a club name, a motto, nicknames, pitches, players, balls, deciders, self-invented verbs, titles, trophies, a blog, movies, a line of fashionable sports wear and a lot of other crap; but we’re missing something that is so simple and yet so vital to a great finger soccer club… and it is the obvious, the club colors.

I hereby set out to correct this bit of oversight. Because I am some sort of fair or touched tyrant, I will open the color choice suggestion up to the members of the club… for one month. If I do not receive any suggestions on the club colors, I will choose them myself and lord it over all of you for the rest of your lives.

So, in keeping with other sporting team color traditions, you may choose a scheme involving up to two or three colors. Please be specific in your description of your team color suggestions. For instance, blue and white doesn’t cut it. We need to know exactly what kind of blue and what kind of white. For instance, I think the blue and white of the University of Kentucky basketball team makes me want to vomit, so if I’m in a bad mood and you suggest “blue and white”, then I’m going to assume you meant the University of Kentucky blue and white, vomit and delete your suggestion… and possibly remove you from my xmas card list as well… and maybe prank you by sending a pizza that you didn’t order to your house. So I caution you to be specific. Other examples which would be acceptable are: Blue like Taylor Swift’s eyes… if they’re blue and if I’m wrong why the hell would I be supposed to know something like that?... Chog poo brown… Yellow like Sasquatch’s teeth because his teeth are yellow and that is a complete and unalterable fact before god, science and country… etc.

My suggestion for our club colors:

Black hole hands black, white as bright as my impeccable soul and red (pantone 19-1763… google image it if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

You have until August 29^th to submit your ideas via comments to this blog, email (timwritesbooks@gmail.com) or the dreaded Facebook message. I will then list all our possible choices and we will vote, thus settling this matter by early September. Or maybe you’ll all slack off and I’ll decide what our club colors will be. Get crackin’.

Your lovely,

Der Tyrant

Subbuteo Man’s Ambassadorial Debut Met With Mixed Reviews

One doesn’t need a trans-Atlantic flight to undergo an international experience. Ergo, Subbuteo Man, bearing his millimeter-high passport, headed north of the border for a Canadian excursion, undertaking an ambassadorial mission of fellowship, sportsmanship, respect, brotherhood and much needed sobriety. This cultural exchange revealed just how far the “most” beautiful game (Subbuteo) has come. Yet, not all “Canucks” appreciated Subbuteo man’s antics.

Case in point, Subbuteo Man’s first stop on his goodwill tour landed him in a Canadian Black Squirrel correctional institution. Hoping to get a few flicks in before feeding time, Subbuteo Man managed to rub the mammalian inmates the wrong way. Using equal parts guile, rub-it-in-your-face provocation and good old American know-how, Subbuteo Man quickly inspired a squirrel prison riot. Canadian officials soon subdued the riotous rodents and asked Subbuteo Man to bid farewell.

Next on his agenda, Subbuteo Man tried to work his multicultural magic at an aviary. The miniature emissary was initially snubbed; however, a gull’s inattentiveness soon turned to resentment and outright disdain. Perhaps it was Subbuteo Man’s tactless comments about William Shatner (Canada’s Sorrow), an overall non-appreciation of the President’s Cup or a refusal to pay 13% sales tax that drove the gulls to rage. Any way you slice it, Subbuteo Man made no feathered friends on this day. As any 1^st & 4th Club member will tell you, a gull in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush.

Even his own entourage couldn't bear the pint-sized envoy’s larking about. Although the photo below shows Harrison and Carter (fresh off their co-Golden Boot awards) mildly amused at Subbuteo Man’s knock-knock joke, (SM-“Knock knock.” E & Avery-“Who’s there?” SM-“Canada.” Avery& E-“Canada who?” SM-“Canada bring me some more money? The exchange rate totally blows here!” E & Avery-“OMG, you totally blow!”) Avery hangs her head in shame, embarrassed to be associated with Subbuteo’s most traveled figure. E barely holds it together in another photo as Subbuteo Man cracks wise.

Surprisingly, the trip wasn’t a total wash. Subbuteo Man made one friend in a butterfly conservatory. It is believed the like-minded companions struck common ground, agreeing to the enjoyment of Der Tyrant's Corner and Ask Professor Plaga. Although wary of the butterfly’s probing proboscis, Subbuteo Man managed to get in a full fourteen-minute friendly, tying his new winged friend two all.

One might ask, what is the lesson to be taken away from all of this? After all, isn’t Subbuteo Man’s confrontational style and overall dismissal of the Canadian public exactly what we don’t need in times like these? This writer believes Subbuteo Man’s travels a valuable asset to both the “Sport” of Subbuteo and to relations with our land-linked nations. In the land of maple syrup and hockey, Subbuteo Man paved the way for future Subbuteo tournament play all while promoting the 1^st and 4^th Club’s philosophy of Plaga, Iuguolo, Adificio. More sophisticated Canadians, who can put down their Molsons and beaver pelts for two-minutes, appreciate Subbuteo Man’s main message: America’s slightly better in all ways, except waterfalls, health care and general governance. And whether you’re a black squirrel, angry sea gull, or brackish butterfly, we all can agree on that.