1st & 4th presents .... the First Tournament!

For two, it was the best of Firsts; for everyone else, it was the worst of Firsts. They all played subbuteo from late on December 31^st into the wee hours of January 1^st, not for some lame charity, but for the most noble of causes—glory, sweet glory (also acceptable: reducing your opponents to shattered and weeping husks.) The 2011 season of the 1^st & 4^th Club began with victory for two young men—Harrison (Firewrists) and Jensen (Jen$in), who not only lorded over the club with their trophies, but sit well-situated to dominate the rest of the season.

Before we proceed, I want to note that this most-anticipated of tournaments began with the unfortunate sidelining of the club’s revered (and feared) president, Mark, due to an apparent illness. (Although, it may have been merely a cover for off-the-field complications, such as an NCAA-style pay-for-play scandal, or illegally snaring a drunk college kid in his backyard cryptid trap.) Even more mysteriously absent from play was the Blur. We may never know what kept him from the competition, but we wish him well—and if he should ever play again this season, he’s already put himself in contention for “Come-back of the Year.” (Of course, Mark is also in contention—but, as he will certainly say, “Don’t call it a comeback—I’ve been here for years!” which is certainly true.) In lieu of Mark and the Blur, the Club counted among its roster Jen$in and Jenna. And once again, the services of the Guest Player were called upon (all this new experience ought to lead to victory … someday.)

Of course, let’s begin with a look at the teams and groups:

Teams

Pound of Burned Sugar in the Oven (Firewrists & Jen$in)

Awesome Dolphins (Dirty Nacho & Téa the Tiniest)

Hot Fried Pork Fries (Avery & HBT)

Elinamenna (E & Jenna)

Chog-a-latte (Kaitlyn & the Guest Player)

ShakeWeight Enthusiasts (Dutch & der Tyrant)

Group 1: Pound of Burned Sugar in the Oven; Hot Fried Pork Fries; Awesome Dolphins

Group 2: Chog-a-latte; Elinamenna; ShakeWeight Enthusiasts

With three goals each, the first round of games saw Dutch and Firewrists make their opening statements on the pitch—but just who would claim the title and/or the Golden Boot? They dispatched their foes easily (despite Hot Fried Pork Fries scoring an opening goal), and seemed destined to meet in the final, dragging their teammates in tow. In the next round of group play, a last minute PK from E’s fingertip put her side ahead of the Decker-duo—who failed to reignite the winning ways of their patented father/coach & daughter/player rapport. Meanwhile, sets of siblings squared off on the other pitch. Smarting from their collapse against the Pound of Sugar boys, Hot Fried handily defeated a couple of nine-year-olds. And in the final group games, Firewrists and Dutch again had their way against their opponents, scoring multiple goals en route to victory (although Kaitlyn did manage a goal against the usually stalwart defense of der Tyrant—but no stripping ensued.)

While Pound of Sugar and ShakeWeight earned quarterfinal byes, the other teams faced off for the honour of being defeated at their hands in the semis. One goal from Avery (and much game-controlling “Averying” thereafter) was all that Hot Fried needed to overcome the efforts of Chog-a-latte, but the other half of the round brought the drama. Tied at two goals each at the end of regulation, the game between Awesome Dolphins and Elinamenna went into overtime. But an additional seven minutes saw no goals, and no winner; hence, the fate of the game fell to penalty kicks. A fervent crowd surrounded the orange pitch, as the teams squared off. But suddenly, during the shoot-out, the goal was wrenched from its base! They switched to the other end of the pitch, and then in a real twist, switched tables all together. O what drama! After Dirty Nacho masterfully buried four goals from the shooting line (he is the Prodigy after all), E managed to cut that lead in half. Tea the Tiniest found the goal on none of her shots, and the fate of their tournament fell to Jenna. Although she did score a goal, it was not enough to win or force further shots. So, improbably, Awesome Dolphins advanced to the semifinals.

The results were seemingly set even before the teams took to the pitch. Pound of Sugar, behind Firewrists’ four goals (his second 4-goal performance of the tournament!), crushed Awesome Dolphins, effectively ending their Cinderella-story—one that had captivated a nation reeling from economic woes and in desperate need of a hero. “America, you want a hero? Look no further than me, the Chosen One,” Firewrists was heard to say leaving the table after the game, apparently christening himself with the mantle of subbuteo’s savior. Meanwhile, Dutch, shying from such blatant bombast, handled himself with the cool, collected demeanor that had carried him to a championship in the SEBT tournament just weeks before. Hot Fried thought they were hot sh*t entering the semis, but the ShakeWeight-ers set them straight. Dutch juked HBT’s defense twice (twice!) and scored easily, while der Tyrant’s defense looked bored and haughty, like all good Germans. After the match, HBT cited the ill-effects of certain performance-detracting drugs: “My slogan is ‘Dope to win!’ not ‘Drink to win!’ … obviously, I should heed my own advice in the future.” Well, Firewrists carries enough pills with him for the both of them, but would that give him the edge in the final?

Before an eager crowd of modest size, Dutch and der Tyrant faced the likes of Firewrists and Jen$in—who, despite his inexperience, had not managed to lose a game for Pound of Sugar. But that all seemed to change with goals from Dutch coming fast and furious (no, this does not imply a reference to the movie of the same name.) But even though Dutch scored two, Firewrists responded in kind—and even scored one more in the closing minutes of the second half. Awarded a corner kick, Firewrists took full advantage, and with his patented finesse, played the ball off the stick of der Tyrant’s keeper and into the net. Never was victory so sweet and defeat so bitter (actually, it kinda feels like after every game—we take subbuteo that seriously.)

And thus, in an award ceremony reminiscent of the subbuteo tournaments of yore, Pound of Burned Sugar in the Oven held their trophies high, while ShakeWeight Enthusiasts hung their heads low. But there is no shame in losing to the First Tournament Champions, or to Firewrists, who was also awarded the Golden Boot for his 14 tournament goals. Certainly, this young man—and his growing rivalry with Dutch—will be worth watching over the coming 1^st & 4^th season. And although the most prestigious event of 2011 is behind us, subbuteo enthusiasts, do not despair—there are plenty of opportunities for unofficial matches and charity tournaments in the year ahead.

And remember to mark your calendars, cause it’s only six more months until the 4^th Tournament! Bring your team, a cold drink (or covered dish), and your lucky underwear—and I’ll see you there!

—T-Dexxx out, m*****f*****s!