The First of them All

The holiday season is rife with annual traditions. Onions get stuffed; presents are meticulously opened and cataloged; pajamas are worn for days; trees are brought indoors and decorated; crafts are crafted ad nauseam; seasonal movies and songs air continuously; gloves are exchanged for some reason; pounds of ham and cookies are consumed; alcoholism is not only tolerated but encouraged; and, most importantly, there is much Subbuteo played.  

This time of year is especially special for the 1^st & 4^th Club since it brackets the end of one season and the opening of the new with the classic First Tournament. Though inspired by the democratic and egalitarian spirit at the core of the Club, this tournament has become anything but. That’s right, this is a tourney for the elite, the upper crust, the “one percent,” if you will. As much as it is about winning a major championship and a baller trophy, First Tournament is also about the glitz and glamor of New Year’s Eve.

Essentially, it’s the Yin to the 4^th Tourney’s Yang (or Wang, if you mean the fish.) There’s no sweating on a humid summer night in a carriage house, while enduring hours of competition after a day of races, barbeques, and Wiffleball games; no Mothra-sized insects to swat away from the pitch; no trouble from the Po-Po (not to be confused with Pop-Pop, who is a benevolent patron of the Club); and no homemade, bath-tub booze for refreshment. Rather, with the deluxe accommodations at the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, First Tournament is a celebration of elegance and class—displayed as much on the pitch as by the attendees of this gala event. Expect champagne and hot tubs, big-ass televisions and buffets, excess and revelry at its finest.   

In terms any student of American history would understand, First Tournament would receive Alexander Hamilton’s silk-gloved support, while Thomas Jefferson would feel more comfortable in the sweat-begrimed embrace of the 4^th Tournament, although neither would deign to actually participate. (Ben Franklin, on the other hand, would play to win.) Just as the Founders intended, there's one tournament for the People, and one for the Better People. Of course, all Club members are welcome to attend the First; however, not all will be receiving an embossed invitation. (Just kidding! But it seems like some of yours might have gotten lost in the mail.) Or if you’re a literary type, just imagine if Jay Gatsby threw a Subbuteo tournament. Yeah, it’s going to be almost as good as that.

But just how good? Well, let me toss out some questions and take a few guesses at what we might expect from our not-so-humble little tourney. 

1)       Will there be a veritable tsunami of goals, or will players again be paralyzed by high-stakes competition?

2)       Will Dutch regain his form on his home turf? Or will his brother Dirty Nacho, the heir-apparent, continue his hot streak and finally claim a tournament title?

3)       Will Firewrists shake off defeat in two consecutive tournament finals and rediscover his winning ways? Or will Muncle Mark claim a third title and extend a new Schettler Dynasty into 2012?

4)       Can Kaitlyn, after a Lazarus-like return from the dead, find her form after months off? Will she even find her team? The venue?

5)       Inspired by his new Cameroon water bottle, will HBT actually score a goal in competitive play, or will the collapse at the 4^th Tourney semifinals continue to haunt him in the new season?

6)       Will a Decker win a GD tournament? Are they so cursed that even being on Firewrists’ team will bring them no success? Or is Tea the Tiniest this lineage’s last great Subbuteo hope?

7)       With a bevy of female champions and participants this past season, will one (or two?!) lay claim to a First Tournament trophy?

8)       Can competitors eschew the many distractions of the CSP and focus on the tourney, or will they succumb to the siren-song of luxury?

9)       Will The Guest Playa or Chad be called on to compete? And if so, will either go on an unprecedented run to the finals, inspiring a hopeless and embattled nation just like Seabiscuit?

10) Will the President's Cup remain as controversial as ever, or will the awarding of Der Tyrant's Whip overshadow this once prestigious accolade?

11)   And perhaps most importantly of all, will the Elusive Naked Man be found and clothed? 

And if your name is on the A-list, be sure to bring your tux, your monocle or bling, your online date, and (of course) your game, fool!

T-Dexxx out!

Answers (feel free to comment with your own):

1)       Yes, over 60 goals will be scored. This works out to about 5 goals per player; however it is more likely that Firewrists will actually score the majority of these.

2)       Yes, and no. The brothers will meet in the final, but age and experience favor Dutch.

3)       Yes, and yes. This contradicts the answer to the previous question, but deal with it.

4)       Kaitlyn will be in attendance, however her form and team will remain missing.

5)       Confusing his water bottle for a flask, his tournament performance will again be impaired.

6)       Yes. No. Yes.

7)       Yes, but it won’t be who you expect.

8)       For some yes, for others no.

9)       Yes, but no—there’s only one Seabiscuit.

10)     Yes, but Der Tyrant will be a cruel arbiter of "success."

11)     No, he will remain nude and at-large.