First Tourney Re-cap? Confirmed!

For those privileged few to have been in attendance, you and I know that First Tournament lived up to its Gastby-esque billing (although no one did a cannon-ball into the hot tub from the deck.) I would say that not much more needs to be said … but I guess for my reader’s sake I’ll summon the energy to summarize the events of that epic night.

Final Tournament Standings:

1)       Lover’s Spat (Dutch & Dana)

2)       Seier (Firewrists & Mary)

3)       Decker Duo (Kaitlyn & HBT)

4)       Nine-Mounth-Old Cod-Piece (Muncle Mark & Der Tyrant)

5)       Magic Flippers (Dirty Nacho & The Blur)

6)       Falco (E & Jen$in)

7)       Chavery (Travis & Avery)

8)       Spanish Samurai (Petyon & Têa)

Golden Boot: Dutch (16 goals)

Black Hole Hands: Tea & Travis (10 saves each)

President’s Cup: Decker Duo

Tourney MVP: Dana

Der Tryrant’s Whip: not awarded (due to lack of qualified candidates)

2011 Player of the Year (aka MVP): Hobo Baby

There? Get it? That’s what happened. Boom.

Wait, what’s that? A box score doesn’t suffice? You what? You want a full narrative article? With humorous anecdotes, gripping drama, and witty observations? And pictures? Well, I thought you’d never ask.

First Tournament not only brought in the New Year (which may also be the last, according the Mayans), but also: new digs, new players, new teams, new (female) champions, new records, new rituals, new injuries, new jargon, a new MVP, and new shame. Let’s take these one at a time shall, we?

The Club

The grounds crew of the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace began their meticulous work on New Year’s Eve eve by giving the shaggy orange turf of the home pitch a well-needed shave. Their efforts left behind a quarter-cup of orange lint, and the question of how the sacred fuzz should be properly disposed. Of course, consuming the fuzz was an immediate suggestion; but rather than choke that down for the good of the syndicate Club, wiser minds prevailed and it was decided that the ball of lint should be burned in an opening ceremony of sorts. Alas, high winds snuffed out that idea, and the fuzz was immediately enshrined on eBay to the highest bidder.

Travis taking on the Decker Duo

Two rookies threw their cards into the hat for this tourney: Travis aka Chad, and Dana aka The Ringer. Unprepared and untested, they entered First Tournament as a baptism by fire and survived—becoming christened members of the 1^st & 4^th Club. No longer will they be just the “plus one” to Kaitlyn and Dutch; their accomplishments on the pitch warrant separate invitations—and even player profiles. And what, pray tell, did these nobodies off the street accomplish with their complete lack of Subbuteo experience? Oh, just a few major awards that’s all.

But before the players had their say, the Subbuteo gods spoketh. The team draw could have taken any of number of dramatic twists with the plethora of potential pairs: Would siblings be together (again), or would a diabolical Schettler duo emerge? Would there be a team of the smallest or rookies to prey upon? Would sworn enemies be forced to put aside their differences, or would lovers be put to the ultimate test—a Subbuteo tourney? To the delight of all, the Gods chose the last of these by pairing Dirty Nacho with The Blur (whom DN, earlier that evening, had denounced as not being a family member), and Dutch with Dana. Could DN and The Blur overcome their fractious past? And would Dutch, hell-bent on redeeming himself from his stat-less EDAA tournament, be able to “coach” Dana to a home-field tournament title? (If you even took half a glance at the box score then you already know what happened—but let me tell the story, dammit.)

"keeping" the time

Two bar-side tables hosted the round-robin group stages, while the bar itself hosted our illustrious Time “Keeper.”  We owe a debt of gratitude to her stat- and time-management skills, but monitoring two games (and two glasses) required the adoption of a new protocol to tournament play. For every goal scored or shot saved, there must be confirmation from the team manager, Dutch. Should he be playing, this duty passes to Club President Muncle Mark. And should both be involved in a game, anyone at all near the pitch can shout “Confirmed!” as confirmation of a goal or save. Any other event or action on the pitch can be “confirmed,” but they will not be recorded, just as any unconfirmed goal or save would not. Also new to the 1^st & 4^th lexicon, the concept of “E-ing.” Perhaps jealous that her cousin Avery has her own Subbuteo gerund (see also, “Averying”), E developed a tactic whereby she attempts to turn her piece around the ball through miniscule tapping motions. Not only does this delay the flow of the game, but also flaunts the definition of a proper “flick.” (The fingernail/side-finger flick issue is already a contentious point of debate in the Club.) However, going forward, “E-ing” will be tolerated up until the point that an opposing team calls out that player and kindly suggests they get their ass in gear and take an honest-to-god flick already. New Year’s Eve also saw the complete rise and fall of a misconception about Subbuteo and soccer (gigantized Subbuteo) in general: “no one ever scores on a corner kick,” sayeth Der Tyrant. Although the tournament featured several corner-kick goals (including the infamous stick-roll trick), he refuses to acknowledge their existence.

Professor Plaga, I presume?

Although the twelve games of the opening round provide constant action, they usually entail little drama. However, the round does create an interesting roulette of match-ups, and even dealt us eager spectators a preview of the eventual title game. (Surely, their first round defeat to Seier gave Lover’s Spat the necessary bloodlust to top them in the final.) These games are also crucial to forging team bonds, as well as for notching the majority of goals and saves in the race for the Golden Boot and Black Hole Hands awards. But after hours, this round eventually sorts out the field for the knock-out phase.

Watch out! Those hands are black holes, yo.

No eliminations or byes were handed out with the bracket—meaning all teams had an equal chance to either advance to the finals or get bounced out early. Nine-Mounth-Old Cod-Piece set the tone early by drubbing Spanish Samuri 7-0. Muncle Mark mercilessly pounded the goalmouth with shots—allowing him to increase his goal tally, while simultaneously giving Tea the opportunity to claim the Black Hole Hands award for best goalkeeping. (Ironic, huh?)  However, in Chavery’s defeat to Seier, Travis had to face Firewrists’ prolific flicks; though he could not stop the two shots that found the back of the net, he blocked enough to earn a share of the Black Hole Hands award. In their quarterfinal match-up against Falco, not only did Decker Duo extend their shut-out streak to a fourth game, but HBT scored their opening goal in record time—7 seconds to be exact.* Although E did her fair share of “E-ing,” Kaitlyn notched her first goal since July, denying Jen$in the chance to defend his First Tourney title. But just who would claim his trophy? The Rauenzahn boys duked it out in the last quarterfinal game, each vying to win their first home tournament in the new facilities. But Dirty Nacho’s pugnacious attitude could do nothing to thwart Lover’s Spat. Though The Blur was denied third-consecutive championship game appearance, let’s hope his brick-wall defense and Dirty Nacho’s frenetic offense are paired again—maybe they’ll put aside their out-sized personalities and make a spirited run in the next tournament. Or else throw-down on the sidelines. Either way, it ought to be entertaining!

The Blur & Dirty Nacho: a dream-team in the making

And speaking of which, we all know that Subbuteo tournament drama doesn’t truly arrive until the semifinals. Again, these did not disappoint. Thus far, Decker Duo had cruised through a comfortable tourney draw … until they ran into Seier: a pair of past champions united under the Norwegian word for “victory”—how intimidating. Decker Duo spent the majority of the first half in their own half, defending against Firewrists’ tenacious attack. But a goal was inevitable, and once the seal was broken, they conceded another. HBT managed to save face with a goal off a free-kick, but time expired and ended the Decker duo’s best showing in a tournament after, like, four or five tries. But their quick defeat did allow them to catch all the late-game drama between Nine-Mounth-Old Cod-Piece and Lover’s Spat, where Dutch attempted to break down Der Tyrant’s backline and score the winning goal. Shot after shot came—and each time Der Tyrant deflected them away from goal. In overtime, the black magic of Nine-Mounth-Old Cod-Piece’s black licorice pipes apparently wore off, and Dutch netted the winner. Despite his efforts, Der Tyrant did not win an award, and thus deemed unworthy all participants for his award. But in a show of true form, Muncle Mark, although he bowed out of a tournament much earlier than anticipated (much like a certain football club from Manchester), nonetheless bestowed the President’s Cup to Decker Duo.   

The Finals

And then in the end, there were only two teams left—Seier and Lover’s Spat—and one championship on the line. Cousins and past champions, Golden Boot rivals and high-school sweethearts … let’s just say the plotlines were as thick and intertwined as the chog’s hide. Mary had been here before, in just the last tournament, but this was all new to Dana. The ladies held the backlines, while Firewrists and Dutch flicked on the attack. They each found the back of the net twice, but neither could secure a winning goal before the end of regulation. The story remained the same through the extra period, and an already tense match got even more so as the players prepared for a penalty shoot-out.

Winners & Losers

Partiers everywhere that night paused in their revelry. I think even Times Square was silent, as a live broadcast from the CSP allowed thousands to watch the tournament finale unfold. First, up: Mary v. Dana. Like the champ she is, Mary buried three out of five goals. This put the pressure on Dana, who so far hadn’t scored or even taken a shot in play. Without a blink, she responded with three goals of her own. So it came down to the boys, as we expect it might. Firewrists took the first shots, scoring just two of five. But still, the   pressure was on his opponent. The hushed crowd gathered to see if Dutch could muster enough goals for the win. And with a certain swagger, he came through in the clutch. Never had victory been so sweet, and defeat so ... well, I think Firewrists put it best when he said, "I can't believe I lost to Carter and his freakin' girlfriend!" But in a show of good sportsmanship, the lads swapped jerseys, while Dutch and Dana swapped spit--evidence that a spat had been avoided in the face of that notorious relationship-killer, Subbuteo. Your correspondent managed to pull the lovebirds apart for a comment on their performance: "Redemption was on the agenda following the Advent Tournament, but now I am determined to continue my winning ways throughout this glorious season." Though Dutch might not say much, when he does, it's damn-near poetry.

And what of the Elusive Naked Man, for whom we raised so much awareness and knit so many crappy sweaters? While he made no appearance at the tourney (and presumably remains as nude and mysterious as ever), I'd like to think his cause taught us something about ourselves. You see, he beckons us to go on a spiritual journey of personal growth, to confront the elusive naked man in all of us, and to chase him down and clothe him for the good of ourselves--and the community. Actually, that's just kind of creepy. Damn his naked hide!

But if there's one thing that didn't elude the 1st & 4th Club, it was offensive productivity. 52 goals were scored (although more than half came from just 3 players), while 57 shots were saved, meaning that well over a hundred shots were put on frame--a stunning reversal of the trend seen in previous tournaments. This means two things for the 2012 season: the Golden Boot and Black Hole Hands awards will become more contested than ever, and that players will become increasingly specialized in their respective fields of play. "Total Subbuteo" will become a thing of the past, and the hybrid player capable of playing offense and defense will become something of a cryptid within the Club.

Although the 2012 season is officially underway, the 1st & 4th Club will take now take a midwinter hiatus. But this is no excuse to hibernate and slack off: keep flicking, readers, and maybe you'll be taking home a trophy at the next tourney! (Unless you last name is Decker.)

--T-Dexxx out!
 




*This is a complete and total guess.