2012: A Subbuteo Odyssey

the corner of 1st and 4th ... the nexus of the universe?

 In defiance of doomsayers and lazy Mayan mathematicians, Existence persisted beyond 12/21/12 allowing us not only to cherish the holiday season (aka an orgy of consumer consumption and gluttony) but also to reflect on the past year while preparing for the next. I’m sure your lives are all interesting in their own ways, but honestly I couldn’t care less about your lingering ass-muscle injuries or trip to Cali, your creepy mustache or artsy film project, your latest musical or dance recital, your athletic or scholastic achievements, or even your new book, new house, new girlfriend or boyfriend (expect, that is, if you have a girl/boyfriend). It’s not that I’m not impressed, but this isn’t the time or place. The place is a Christmas letter, and the time is never. We’re here to talk Subbuteo, dammit. And as we settle into a cold, dark winter we need its bright flame of hope more than ever.

Subbuteo, and the 1st & 4th Club especially, had an amazing year of foreign adventure, unprecedented champions, epic league play, and more awareness of more causes than we were even aware.

If you recall, the year began with the glitzy First Tournament, finishing in an epic showdown of established stars and rising talents. I say “if you recall” because after a few post-tourney recovery beverages at “Life’s a Pitch” (Collegeville’s finest bar-and-grill), all I can remember is the emergence of Hobo Baby—a hitch-hiking,  sword-wielding, infant swaddled in a diaper and sock-hat—as the all-time 1st & 4th MVP. Jeez … what were in those drinks? For those of you suffering from the same condition, a full summary of First Tournament is posted here.

"If only they would play indoors on a table-top pitch ..."

While the 1st & 4th Club was on hiatus, their intrepid ambassador, Subbuteo Man, spent his Spring Break in the sub-Arctic wilds of Iceland. Enduring cold winds, volcanic peaks, and torrid greenhouses, he traveled the island endeavoring to foster a Subbuteo fan base among Iceland’s few inhabitants. Although isolated, the country already was familiar with soccer (“gigantized Subbuteo”) and presumably seemed ripe for a Subbuteo takeover. But despite their eccentric culture, the populace seemed resistant. I mean, when you’re descended from Vikings, eat sheep heads, and one of your national pastimes is swinging from ropes on seaside cliffs, what’s the appeal of miniature, table-top flick football?  Whilst abroad, Subbuteo Man made so many friends (and just a few enemies) that he even found it necessary to make a profile on The Facebook (yeah, that’s what we called it back in 2004, yo.)

hold high the Bastards Cup

From the frosty shores of Iceland, the Club’s attention returned to the humid suburbs of Pennsylvania and that sweat-soaked grand-daddy of them all: the 4^th Tourney. Although it took incredible effort to stage a tournament to raise awareness of so-called "First World Problems," the tourney's success surely justifies the money and time spent on this completely inane and superfluous cause. In a surprising twist, Kaitlyn (and someone nicknamed Firewrists) emerged victorious in the late-night rumble and broke the Decker curse. Your correspondent caught up with the champ on the eve of another major tournament.   

   

T-Dexxx: How did it feel to win a championship?

Kaitlyn: It was about goddamn time.

The records show that you are the first Decker to do so—how did you manage to succeed where so many others have failed?

It helped that I had a strong partner. And among our first couple wins, I had scored a goal that inspired a special drive—or momentum, if you will—toward the finals. Also, I couldn’t let Dirty Nacho win.

How do you think your victory has affected the Club?

I think it caught many people off-guard. Der Tyrant [a runner-up in past tourneys, and winner of the Black Hole Hands award] has proven to be a consistent player. My brother [HBT] as well has seemed a contender at times. I believe my victory gives hope to other Deckers as we strive toward another tournament.

Your team name was inspired by Iceland. Did you consume any Icelandic cuisine that may have contributed to your victory (ie., rotten shark, puffin, sheepshead platter, moss-brewed beverages, or pickled herring)? 

[She laughs.] None of those items were consumed; they probably would have contributed negatively to our tournament play (as in, frequent trips to the bathroom). And puffins are just too cute to eat.

What are your goals in Subbuteo?

Well, I would like to win another tourney, and improve my skills while adding a greater level of consistency to my game.

Do you have any words of advice for aspiring Subbuteo players?

Being well-rested will improve your performance.

Without one of its reigning champs, members of the 1st & 4th Club took a rare trip below the Mason-Dixon line to the sun-baked shores of North Carolina for a little R&R. Or did they? Even a vacation is no excuse for missing out on Subbuteo—what dedication! After Muncle Mark (BAMF) decreed open the 2012 Beach Shield for Aquatic Mammalian Prolapsed Blowhole Awareness, the basement rec room quickly became League HQ—complete with digitized scoreboard, mad beats, and easy access to the hot tub (or outdoor shower, if that's more your thing.) Night after night, the Club competed in hours of matches, all striving for the Coral/Clip Cup, a piece of folk art crafted from local materials harvested from the seafloor. Although league-fatigue threatened to sideline some participants, the contenders managed to overcome sharks and sunburns, torn muscles and stomachs bloated with seafood, humiliation and distracting day trips, and—above all—the unknowable power of the sea. With typical aplomb Firewrists finished first in the standings, just edging out a surging Dutch. For complete results and photos, please review this previous post. And the 2012 BSFAMPBA would not have been such a success without additional support from the Time “Keeper”, as well as the gross amount of snack foods.

From blistering beaches, the Club season next took us to the frigid wastes of mid-December and that holiday classic, the Advent Day of Craft 's Last Tournament of the Year. In this edition, the Club raised an incredible amount of awareness for a cause very near and dear to Muncle Mark. For a “touching” account of P.E.T.S., or Post-prostate Examination Trauma Syndrome, and the Club’s noble response to this condition, please consult the column below. Though details from the actual tournament are few, your correspondent has determined the following: 

Golden Boot: Firewrists

Black Hole Hands: E

 MVP: Av

President’s Trophy: Av

Despite a limited field, the action was fiercely competitive, although it took several games for a save to even be registered. Yet, there had to be a winner, and team C.A.G. emerged victorious from the fray. Initially, Dutch and The Blur had cruised through qualifying rounds, but when The Blur took to the sidelines, Muncle Mark stepped in as a super-sub in the final match. So, in a weird twist all three are champions (however, an official ruling from Club management is still pending.)

Now, dear reader, would come the point when I offered some predictions on the upcoming First Tournament for the Eradication of Gangam Style. As much I would like to say that the Club will succeed with its mission and save 2013 from further exposure to this K-Pop phenomenon … in light of the past year, I’m just not sure what the hell will happen. But if you're as curious as I, then you better haul ass to the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace and grab a front-row bar stool on the 31st (invitation required.)  




—T-Dexxx out!