"Whispers from the Lion's Hole..."

Saturday December 20, 2014:

Tragic Sexual Accidents Awareness, Advent Day of Craft Subbuteo Tournament

 

 

As I sink into a LoveSac while watching football in the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, I have not yet recovered from my defeat in the TSA Finals. So, what better way to cope with my emotional strains than to blog and reflect on said tournament? This year's Craft Day Subbuteo Spectacular was certainly one of the more entertaining, and exhausting, tournaments in recent memory. Those in attendance, all 3.5 people, experienced a myriad of "dick" moves accompanied by shoddy time/stat-keeping, Jed Croch's Duran Duran playlist, Lee Mason's poor officiating, whispers from Adam's lion hole, and constant deception from shemale squid balls. Naturally, these conditions made for a grand display of subbuteo during which I made a number of lasting observations:

 



1. Elizabeth's black-hole-hands dominance: On a night during which E earned the Whip and perhaps least embodied the game of subbuteo, she displayed goalkeeping form that the club has never before seen. A record setting number of saves and an "I don't know how I did that" attitude helped propel Qiqurn to the semifinals.
2. New 1st & 4thers shine: Both Dara and Jed Croch showed great skill throughout their first tournament. Dara consistently used her finesse flicks and goalkeeper to stonewall oncoming attackers, most notably HBT. Likewise, Jed Croch displayed an amazingly strong finger along with a knack for cleverly passing the ball out of his own defensive third. For the good of the club, we can only hope that these newly promoted members will continue to showcase their raw talent.
3. Harrison goes winless: likely for the first time ever, the most decorated 1st and 4th member, Fire Wrists failed to register a point. The morning following the tournament, the Millersville Daily Times reported that rumors of retirement for the decorated HBS were swirling. Is there any truth to these reports? Unlikely. However, 1st & 4th followers cannot ignore these allegations.
4. Dark Munch (Dutch & BAMF) and DJay HBT Plan B (Blur & HBT) played a dazzler in the semifinals. This match truly embodied the beautiful game of subbuteo, and all things Corinthian. However, to the surprise of few, the only spectator in attendance was Jayne, a generally anti-subbuteo Mom who protested by sleeping through the match.
5. Dirty Nacho came, crafted, and conquered: the amazingly cocky, or should I say sucky, display of etching his own initials into the Golden Boot should have been a warning sign to all other TSA participants. DN, along with Peyton, collected three wins in the preliminary rounds and continued their winning ways throughout the knockout stages. This marks the first ever tournament championship for the young Vice BAMF, and indeed may be the first of many.

Another successful Craft Day came and went, and another second place medal was added to my trophy case. Luckily, the winter subbuteo season sees the TSA tournament closely followed by the much anticipated 1st tournament. I am very much looking forward to that showcase, as well as the opportunity to redeem myself and throttle Dirty Nacho into a rage-induced vomit.

-God save our 1st & 4th-

Dutch