"Whispers from the Lion's Hole..."

Saturday December 20, 2014:

Tragic Sexual Accidents Awareness, Advent Day of Craft Subbuteo Tournament

 

 

As I sink into a LoveSac while watching football in the Collegeville Subbuteo Palace, I have not yet recovered from my defeat in the TSA Finals. So, what better way to cope with my emotional strains than to blog and reflect on said tournament? This year's Craft Day Subbuteo Spectacular was certainly one of the more entertaining, and exhausting, tournaments in recent memory. Those in attendance, all 3.5 people, experienced a myriad of "dick" moves accompanied by shoddy time/stat-keeping, Jed Croch's Duran Duran playlist, Lee Mason's poor officiating, whispers from Adam's lion hole, and constant deception from shemale squid balls. Naturally, these conditions made for a grand display of subbuteo during which I made a number of lasting observations:

 



1. Elizabeth's black-hole-hands dominance: On a night during which E earned the Whip and perhaps least embodied the game of subbuteo, she displayed goalkeeping form that the club has never before seen. A record setting number of saves and an "I don't know how I did that" attitude helped propel Qiqurn to the semifinals.
2. New 1st & 4thers shine: Both Dara and Jed Croch showed great skill throughout their first tournament. Dara consistently used her finesse flicks and goalkeeper to stonewall oncoming attackers, most notably HBT. Likewise, Jed Croch displayed an amazingly strong finger along with a knack for cleverly passing the ball out of his own defensive third. For the good of the club, we can only hope that these newly promoted members will continue to showcase their raw talent.
3. Harrison goes winless: likely for the first time ever, the most decorated 1st and 4th member, Fire Wrists failed to register a point. The morning following the tournament, the Millersville Daily Times reported that rumors of retirement for the decorated HBS were swirling. Is there any truth to these reports? Unlikely. However, 1st & 4th followers cannot ignore these allegations.
4. Dark Munch (Dutch & BAMF) and DJay HBT Plan B (Blur & HBT) played a dazzler in the semifinals. This match truly embodied the beautiful game of subbuteo, and all things Corinthian. However, to the surprise of few, the only spectator in attendance was Jayne, a generally anti-subbuteo Mom who protested by sleeping through the match.
5. Dirty Nacho came, crafted, and conquered: the amazingly cocky, or should I say sucky, display of etching his own initials into the Golden Boot should have been a warning sign to all other TSA participants. DN, along with Peyton, collected three wins in the preliminary rounds and continued their winning ways throughout the knockout stages. This marks the first ever tournament championship for the young Vice BAMF, and indeed may be the first of many.

Another successful Craft Day came and went, and another second place medal was added to my trophy case. Luckily, the winter subbuteo season sees the TSA tournament closely followed by the much anticipated 1st tournament. I am very much looking forward to that showcase, as well as the opportunity to redeem myself and throttle Dirty Nacho into a rage-induced vomit.

-God save our 1st & 4th-

Dutch

Our Club History Made Fun-ish.

The question was raised, by Der Tyrant during a sleepless night of hellish construction in the JC, as to where the term “1^st & 4^th” originated? It is an important question and I, Der Tyrant, decided it needed to be addressed for the good of the Club.

Instead of looking up the etymology of the phrase in some nasty-ass rag like the OED, I decided to do my research using the most reliable tool ever invented by the humankind to disseminate facts, La Internet, the official online service of France and all French Protectorates (like the village of Perdix or Lemoyne, formerly Bridgeport). Here’s what I found on La Internet:

The first 1^st & 4^th-er ever recorded was a dandy, foppish man known as Lord Carmichael Chesterton “Kinky Foote” Billingbigglesston IV from the county of Cokfix (pronounced: suck-burg). Very little is known about Kinky Foote, his ancestry is a tangled mess of lepers, fresh water pirates and provincial cork-sockers. It was thought he was born in 1620 to a mother and father, that he lived and then died; though there is scant evidence to support any of these claims. His greatest achievement was to be mentioned in a 1658 Miss Whickem’s Whig Worshiper and Prossitutie Press broadsheet flyer thought to be a teaching tool for children. It was also in this flyer where the term “1^st & 4^th” makes it’s debut into the English language:

“And Kinky Foote, being thrice abused by a witch, aye, his handsome wife and Satan Lover, birth-er to his swarmy spawn of his filthy loins, did take upon hisself to drink a flagon of water! And upon such delugement of his thirst, tromped unholylike to the establishment of Peter Peters of Petertown wherein he did 1^st & 4^th before the eyes of God, the King and assembled gentry until such time as the bloody flux did remove him from the mortal soil of England, a bivacuated and empty husk. “

It is unknown what “1^st & 4^th” meant, but it is widely believed, by scholars and academics to be slightly better than “2^nd & 4^th”, which is referred to in the Portuguese tongue as ‘Scholppy Seconding’.

Apparently, more research will need to be done by Club members as well as refinements made to the French online services…

Anyway…

With the coming of Craft Day, the holiest of holidays of the year, we prepare, once more, to do battle upon the green pitch of the Millersville FC and environs.

Before I get rolling with my predictions and trash talk, let me take a moment to re-inform you of the celebrated victory of Der Tyrant and The Blur during the Classic 4^th tourney. Despite cold, insects and firework’s fume inhalation, the duo of Subbuteo Legacy players led their team of German all-stars and JV high school flunkies to the heights of 1^st & 4^th lore. As the years pass, The Blur has become a death dealing god of offensive fury. Sure, there are times when no one know what the hell is going on, but for The Blur it’s always everyone up for every second of the seven minute half. Even down by a score or two, he’s always prepared to give it what it takes to land a victory or save a tie (which I consider just as useless as a loss but Dutch informs me that ties do matter in the “standings”… whatever). Add Der Tyrant’s stubborn defense and you have the recipe for greatness. Of course, Der Tyrant doesn’t win a lot of Black Hole Hand awards but he doesn’t win a lot of President’s Cups (now call the Corinthian Cup) either. All he wins are Classic tournaments.

With that out of the way, let’s talk Tragic Sexual Accident Awareness Subbuteo nonsense. Let’s see… It’s speculated the following 1^st & 4^th-ers will be participating in the TSA tourney: The President (unretired), Der Tyrant, The Blur, Dutch, Fire Wrists, Kaitlyn, HBT, Tea, E, Ave, Dirty Nacho and perhaps the Guest Playa along with outliers of the league. Not since July 4^th has there been such a more hotly anticipated contest of skill, will and wit.

Will Fire Wrists and Tea continue to battle for the coveted Black Hole Hands title? Is The Blur becoming one of the offensive (technically not verbally) wonders of the league? Are we at the threshold of Dirty Nacho’s rise to prominence? Will Elizabeth and Avery ever care enough to stay focused for the entire duration of a tournament? Will Der Tyrant continue his masterful ass kicking? And, most important, will our efforts cause more tragic sexual accidents than they prevent?

Club Anthem

With mere days before the blessed holiday of Thanksgiving upon us, I would like to tell all club members who happen to find themselves within the friendly confines of Millersville to remember their Subbuteo teams, lest some informal throwing down occurs.  After all, what could aid the digestion of massive amounts of meats, minced and other wise "unminced", but the soul soothing pastime that is Subbuteo.  Bearing this in mind, all new events will lead off with the singing of our club's anthem.  The  lyrics can be memorized, or for the less dedicated, I suppose some sort of hand bill can be produced.  Either way, I submit for your approval, The 1st & 4th Club Anthem.

(Sung to the tune of God Save the Queen)

God save the First and Fourth,

Best football teams on earth,

God save our club!

With teams like Pumanuke

Tim's victories are a fluke,

May Dirty Nacho never Puke!

God save 1st and 4th.

second verse

God grant me Black Hole Hands,

Like Neuer from Deutsch-ah-land,

One save; confirmed.

Tim Howard-ish resolute,

Scorekeeper on Absolute?

Return your Golden Boot.

Another save; confirmed!

Oh, and the President's Shield is now the Corinthians's Cup, but that's another blog topic all together.

Ah, it's been far too long,

BAMF

The Derby Day Derby

For those of you not paying attention, the interminable spring sabbatical between The First and the 4th is excruciating for those of us with a perfectly good Subbuteo pitch, free time, and an intense in-home rivalry. Hence, we had a tournament and invited no one (see below). And we also thought it would be amusing to stage a derby match on the very day of the Kentucky Derby--complete with themed costumes and beverages. 

Expressing his disdain for convention through haberdashery (as usual), Der Tyrant dons a big floppy hat as he takes a big floppy lead against the dapper (as usual) HBT. (Note: HBT's intense focus here is something of an anomaly, as he appears to have forgotten that his beverage was positioned directly behind him and not somewhere on the pitch.)

We played with a one-match, single-elimination format, very much unlike the complex, bracketed tournament that are so de rigueur within the club. (Because that's how JC/NJ rolls.) Seizing on my complete lack of attention to the pitch (or rather, my inordinate focus on my mint julep), Der Tyrant scored early--my hand closer to my glass than my goalie. Finding me distracted yet again, Der Tyrant got himself a brace before halftime. Bow-tie straightened, I came out in the second ready to make things right. Although I managed to pull one back, Der Tyrant's stingy defense and an expiring clock denied a dramatic draw. We shook hands reluctantly (the rival still smoldering) and watched some horses run around a big oval in a little over than two minutes.

And thus the first Derby Day Derby was in the books. Due to a lack of foresight with my work schedule, we will be denied a "triple crown" of tournaments. However, that does not excuse anyone from feasting on something coated in Old Bay this Saturday in honor of the Preakness. "Crab cakes and Subbuteo: that's what Maryland does!"

The Univitational.

Yeah, you know it. You wanted to be here. In the JC, where you can see New York City but don’t have to smell it. Where you can order paella for two and feed six. Where something happened that one time. Yeah, that place.

HBT and Der Tyrant, that’s me, officially opened the 2014 season here at The Danger Zone by not inviting all of you lantern-jawed yokels to a wonderful tournament. It was bright, beautiful day, perhaps, when the first tournament held in New Jersey kicked off. The new, battleship gray pitch proved to be a splendidly quick and perfect surface for sexy goals and stylish saves. You cannot imagine just how exciting the action was. Try it. Close your eyes. Smell the fresh baked cookies, feel the pleasant warmth from our gigantic, pre-wars radiators. Hear the gentle drag of the ball across the supple, billiard felt. Taste the magic of Jersey City oxygen, like licking Aphrodite’s neck, which tastes just like blue cotton candy for some reason. Lick it! Yep, a truly magical, once in a lifetime event. It was so … words fail me.

It was such a special event the we didn’t even invite the official 1^st & 4^th “Time” Keeper and she lives here. Like in this very apartment.

By the end of the tournament, a tournament so great it can never be repeated, HBT proved victorious. I decided to protest his victory, thus making it an official tournament according to our club bylaws.

Here are the deets:

Tournament winner: HBT
Der Tyrant’s Whip: Der Tyrant
Golden Boot: HBT
Black Hole Hands: HBT
President’s Cup: na

From Legacy to Legend…

… in one year. Yes, it’s true, the greatest of all Subbuteo legacy players of the 1^st & 4^th Club achieved the status of legend. Der Tyrant, who I know and really love, won two classics in the last, what, eight or nine months? Yes, two. And yes, he did have help from his inestimable teammates. And yes, he is writing in the third person. That’s just how impressive he/I have become. Just be glad he’s not using the royal “we”.

Anyway, yeah, I rule.

First there was the 4^th Tournament, held in the balmy conditions of the Schettler family carriage house on the wee hours of the night of the day of our nation’s birth, or something like that. Paired with Kaitlyn, previous winner of the mid-summer classic, the we rolled over our opponents like nobody’s bidness. Fingers were flying, goals were scored, saves were made. I think I drank eighteen Capri Sun packets just to keep my fluid level at normal for fear of dying of dehydration. The night passed in such a brutal haze that the only thing I recall, besides hoisting the most bedazzled of trophies over my head was when HBT, upon losing his last game, left the garage… taking the ball with him. Truly whip-ish behavior. But anyway, Kaitlyn and I kicked bootie.

Then there was the 1^st Tournament, held in the climate controlled basement of the Michael Rauenzahn Bio-dome of Cutting Edge Snack Products. Apparently, it was cold outside, but who could think of such things while the members of the 1^st & 4^th were launching fiery shots across the pitch? Not me, that’s for damn sure. I was too focused on bringing heroic victory to my fans and loyal supporters. At first, I was a tad bit worried as I was paired with Dutch. In previous tournaments, our team was a recipe for penultimate failure. We play like golden gods only lose to some other “team” in the final game. But like all good Disney movies involving chimps and ice skating, we used our underdog status… underchimp status, maybe?... to destroy the opposition in match after match. Again, the night passed so quickly that I can’t recall much. Though I do remember getting scored upon by Dirty Nacho at the end of one period on a totally bogus corner kick thing… which is why I don’t believe it actually happened. That hardly matters now. These days, I can rest my magnificent laurels, one on each trophy, in clouds of glory, the kind usually reserved for Greek heroes or celebrities who survive a lot of plastic surgery and end up on the cover of People showing off their new bikini body.

Trust me, when I arrive to defend my title this July, you’ll see all kinds of wonderful, tyrant-y bikini action. So much so you might be forced to wonder if it’s a bikini atoll.

I am a legend. Suck it, world.

The Greatest Tourney Ever ... that you won't be at

That's right. Unless you live in Jersey City, you won't make the field. Oh, go ahead, try to make it if you can ... but you won't, because you can't. So today, without you, we'll be playing the Inaugural Jersey City Mid-winter Unvitational. Snubbed by the Schettler clan, the Deckers (North) decided to have their own little tournament this weekend.

Der Tyrant and HBT will square off on their DIY smog-grey pitch, the first tournament to feature this iconic felt. They'll play not for a tournament purse, trophy, or even a cause--but bragging rights alone.

To save time, we've edited a past photo of the 1st & 4th Club to reflect the anticipated participants:

May the best man win! (There are only two after all ...)

Russell Brand: Honorary Club Member

Members of the 1st & 4th Club, allow me to introduce our newest (honorary) member: actor/comedian/author Russell Brand.

Considering he's witty, smart, and sexy (a dangerous combination to which all 1st 4th-ers aspire, but so few of us achieve), it's really a wonder that Russell Brand didn't receive this distinguished honour years ago. But it was only mere days ago that his passion for our beloved past-time came to light. For you see, Mr. Brand is indeed a brilliant dilettante, and yet among his myriad pursuits, Subbuteo remains close to his heart.

Whilst waxing poetic on the soon-to-be-beatified Sir Alex Ferguson, Mr. Brand let slip that Subbuteo was among his childhood hobbies:

I can just about remember [Ferguson's] appointment in the 80s; I would likely have enacted it through my voodoo Subbuteo rituals, which always had more peripheral theatricality than other boys'. Managers were not provided by the manufacturers so I'd outsource the role to Star Wars figures. They were as disposable and interchangeable as their human counterparts and often more discerning in the transfer market. [my italics]

So not only is Mr. Brand a rabid fan of his own football side (West Ham) and quick to lionize SAF, he's a former Subbuteo enthusiast who actually used Star Wars figurines on the sidelines--a proud tradition in our own club. We welcome you to that elite Club, Mr. Brand. You'll soon consider yourself lucky to have your celebrity associated with the many noble causes this Club endorses--which will then receive a notable boost due to your notoriety. (It's win-win!) So, consider yourself invited to our next tourney. And please feel free to bring along your gf (win-win-win!)