Subbuteo Man’s Ambassadorial Debut Met With Mixed Reviews

One doesn’t need a trans-Atlantic flight to undergo an international experience. Ergo, Subbuteo Man, bearing his millimeter-high passport, headed north of the border for a Canadian excursion, undertaking an ambassadorial mission of fellowship, sportsmanship, respect, brotherhood and much needed sobriety. This cultural exchange revealed just how far the “most” beautiful game (Subbuteo) has come. Yet, not all “Canucks” appreciated Subbuteo man’s antics.

Case in point, Subbuteo Man’s first stop on his goodwill tour landed him in a Canadian Black Squirrel correctional institution. Hoping to get a few flicks in before feeding time, Subbuteo Man managed to rub the mammalian inmates the wrong way. Using equal parts guile, rub-it-in-your-face provocation and good old American know-how, Subbuteo Man quickly inspired a squirrel prison riot. Canadian officials soon subdued the riotous rodents and asked Subbuteo Man to bid farewell.

Next on his agenda, Subbuteo Man tried to work his multicultural magic at an aviary. The miniature emissary was initially snubbed; however, a gull’s inattentiveness soon turned to resentment and outright disdain. Perhaps it was Subbuteo Man’s tactless comments about William Shatner (Canada’s Sorrow), an overall non-appreciation of the President’s Cup or a refusal to pay 13% sales tax that drove the gulls to rage. Any way you slice it, Subbuteo Man made no feathered friends on this day. As any 1^st & 4th Club member will tell you, a gull in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush.

Even his own entourage couldn't bear the pint-sized envoy’s larking about. Although the photo below shows Harrison and Carter (fresh off their co-Golden Boot awards) mildly amused at Subbuteo Man’s knock-knock joke, (SM-“Knock knock.” E & Avery-“Who’s there?” SM-“Canada.” Avery& E-“Canada who?” SM-“Canada bring me some more money? The exchange rate totally blows here!” E & Avery-“OMG, you totally blow!”) Avery hangs her head in shame, embarrassed to be associated with Subbuteo’s most traveled figure. E barely holds it together in another photo as Subbuteo Man cracks wise.

Surprisingly, the trip wasn’t a total wash. Subbuteo Man made one friend in a butterfly conservatory. It is believed the like-minded companions struck common ground, agreeing to the enjoyment of Der Tyrant's Corner and Ask Professor Plaga. Although wary of the butterfly’s probing proboscis, Subbuteo Man managed to get in a full fourteen-minute friendly, tying his new winged friend two all.

One might ask, what is the lesson to be taken away from all of this? After all, isn’t Subbuteo Man’s confrontational style and overall dismissal of the Canadian public exactly what we don’t need in times like these? This writer believes Subbuteo Man’s travels a valuable asset to both the “Sport” of Subbuteo and to relations with our land-linked nations. In the land of maple syrup and hockey, Subbuteo Man paved the way for future Subbuteo tournament play all while promoting the 1^st and 4^th Club’s philosophy of Plaga, Iuguolo, Adificio. More sophisticated Canadians, who can put down their Molsons and beaver pelts for two-minutes, appreciate Subbuteo Man’s main message: America’s slightly better in all ways, except waterfalls, health care and general governance. And whether you’re a black squirrel, angry sea gull, or brackish butterfly, we all can agree on that.