Ask Professor Plaga

I know what you’re thinking. Why doesn’t someone on the Internet advance the supreme sport of Subbuteo via a questions and answers format with the need to neither wax metaphoric nor include cutesy cat videos? Well, 1st and 4^th Club aficionados rejoice! Finally there is an expert willing to step into the breach. With a keen interest in advancing the sport of Subbuteo, coupled with an overwhelmingly full head of needless knowledge, Professor Plaga’s ready to oblige all questions, various and sundry.

In order to protect our reader’s privacy (also, and more importantly, upon the strong advice of 1^st and 4^th legal counsel, William Plank Esq.), pseudonyms have been used.

Our first question is from Der “Pyrant” of Jersey City, NJ: Professor Plaga, is it wise to move defensive players? In past competitions, no matter how infrequently I’ve moved, or how many articles of clothing I’ve removed, I just can’t seem to “get over the hump.” Help me Professor Plaga, you’re my only hope.

Professor Plaga: To answer your question, no.

The second question is also from a reader in Jersey City. Hot Baby “Jommy” asks: Professor Plaga, is it possible for a superior team, such as Hordest Sandwich, to not win a tournament, regardless of its accumulated talent level, exponential advantage or overall knowledge of Subbuteo? Additionally, should that team win a cup?

P.P: Yes and yes!

A last query is submitted from a reader in Collegeville, PA. “Dirty Macho” posed: Professor Plaga, could an amendment to the 1^st and 4^th Club’s Constitution be put forth to allow the eating of cheese puffs during play? I’ll promise to keep all crumbs and orange powder off of the playing surface. Also, I’ll need only occasional reminders that it’s my turn to play. I will not commit, however, to getting in the way of competitions, which do not include me.

P.P.: No!!!

Der Tyrant's Corner... June '11

Time to weigh in on the coming carnage. As usual, I predict that I will stand triumphant, holding aloft the soon to be unveiled 4^th of July Tournament trophy, also known as The _______. Ha! You thought you could trick me into giving that surprise away but I’m far too crafty for that nonsense. Der Tyrant is a master of subterfuge.

There’s been a lot of talk about how some of our members train and practice, as if such things mattered for the mastery of Subbuteo. The Jedi of this sport know that very little of what happens on the pitch takes place between the finger and the ball. Subbuteo is an intellectual pursuit of the highest order. That’s why I have spent the last month abstaining from all things Subbuteo and have planned my “no move” defense to the nth degree. In fact, I’m so confident in my ability to dominate the game, that I’m almost willing to bring my “no move” offense to America’s Sorrow as well. However, since it is widely known that were I to show up with my Bayern Munich team and play the fourteen minutes of each game not touching a single one of my players, I would so crush the opposing teams that my competitors would never recover and I would be crowned the 1^st & 4^th Club Champion for Life Ad Infinitum.

So, I’m going to make it easy on all of you, who make this game so difficult, what with your flicking of players and dodging around the table. From this point on, I will be known as Der Tyrant, 1^st & 4^th Club Champion for Life Ad Infinitum. Of course, you can still refer to me as Der Tyrant, as protocol dictates, but I will handicap myself (don’t tell Pop-pop) and will play this and all coming tournaments with my black holy hands. Feel free to be in awe of my skilz, I know I am.

As for any other predictions:

Will The Thrill Davies is threatening to attend this year’s event. We all know that Will lives in Ohio, so be prepared to swap signed jerseys and Subbuteo balls for gifts, cash and tattoos. That said, I had a dream in which The Fates told me, “No goals, no saves for The Thrill”. I fear he will leave crying.

As for The Blur, only time will tell if that shank of the One True Cross that jabbed into his leg a year ago will gave him super powers or will just cause him to limp up and down the pitch. If he can stay healthy and get on Dutch’s or Fire Wrist’s team, he could be a threat.

The rest of the rabble should play up to the usual level of our organization and I will accept nothing less than greatness or, at least serious showmanship, in that God awful hot garage in M’Ville in four days hence.

And as Dirty Nacho is wont to say, “You suck!”

Der Tyrant.

The Wang Fish Cometh.

This coming weekend, on July 3^rd, the 1^st & 4^th Club will hold the classic tournament for the 4^th of July. Although the holiday commemorates the founding of our floundering nation, the tournament will honor the greatest living terror in the Amazon River, the candiru, (Vandellia cirrhosa), a.k.a The Wang Fish. Though this fish has yet to invade the waterways of the Keystone State, give it time. The Wang Fish has plans within plans. Thus we need to raise awareness and support for this much maligned warrior of brown water. And sometimes yellow water. How else do expect to keep the native red-neck population in check or keep them from pissin’ in our crick? I mean, really, Pennsylvania has enough acid rain problems. It's time to go green with a vengeance. While the 1^st & 4^th Club supports and funds the destruction of cryptids, we extend all our material and spiritual support for the conservation of such a plucky fish. So, come out and flick your hardest… and remember to pee on dry land.

The Blur: Ghost Protocol

For the last year The Blur has gone underground, surfacing only once for the purpose of reconnaissance. In an attempt to develop new and more effective strategies and skills, The Blur decided it was necessary to go Ghost -- to become invisible, to go unseen so that spies could not capture his play on tape and sell it to the highest bidder (likely one of his overly cocky rivals that feel they have nothing to fear from the man who puts more stock in playing to have fun than winning the trophy) so they could study his moves and try to find a weakness. The Blur enacted what has been dubbed the Ghost Protocol nearly a year ago after being impaled and losing the functionality of his right leg. Since then he has spent every waking moment (that he isn't obsessing over a slender beauty from Hanover that's way outside of his league) training, flicking, visualizing shots. At work, he spends his lunches doing wind sprints from one side of the lunch table to the other in the break room. Before every evening practice, he gives a motivational speech to his players. Sure, he's nuts, but he's due. This could be the year that Behemoth Junk reunites to take down FireWrists. Or perhaps he'll team with fellow band mate der Tyrant and Oxford Genius will school the youth on the ways of patience and whimsy.

Rumors Abound: S.O.S. To Reunite

Is it TRUE? Former S.O.S. band mates The Thrill (Will Davies) and Der Tyrant (Tim Decker) to reunite in a bid to take down what they charitably refer to as their "competition" July 3rd at the next 1st and 4th Club tournament?

"We're bringing experience to the table, baby! Those young punks won't even see the shot -- just the ball in the back of the net," Davies boasts.

"They're all SUCKA'S!!!" adds der Tyrant. "Flick Off!!!!"


Who said 'sportsmanship's dead'?

1st & 4th T-shirts…

Yeah, don’t get your hopes too high. Here’s the deal:

Bring a light color, 100% cotton (or close to it) shirt to America’s Sorrow (Millersville) for the weekend of July 4^th and you can get a rather fetching 1^st & 4^th spray painted on it. What can we say, the 1^st & 4^th Subbuteo Club is nothing if not profoundly DIY. And of course, you can feel free to then attack your shirt with markers, patches, stencils. be-dazzle crap and what-not after the paint dries. It’s not like I live with you and have to do your laundry.

Der Tyrant

The Noble Ampersand: Meaning, Significance & Origins

Allow me to lay beneath your eyes a few words upon that curious and most precocious of punctuation symbols, the ampersand. Readers may have noticed the presence of the ampersand in the club name—you know, that twisty thing in between the 1 and the 4. Lately, I have noticed a bit of confusion and/or ignorance about just what the hell that pretzel is doing in the club name, and I will now take a few moments to clarify and educate. Grasping this concept is just as important to club membership as understanding the symbolism within the ol’ Stars-and-Stripes is to American citizenship (or knowing the essential “facts” to identify/kill any cryptid—as well as to disprove alleged witnesses.) Take pride in knowing that this club does not condescend to popular fashions by using a crude and ambiguous word like “and” where a perfectly good (and sumptuously curved) punctuation symbol already exists. It's simply a matter of style and efficiency—basic principles of any good subbuteo team.

Now, to drop some knowledge. First, the symbol: &. The ampersand visually represents the Latin word for “and”: et. So, if you kinda squint, you can see that the left portion of the symbol sort of looks like an E and the right portion could be a T. Get it? And dos, the name: ampersand. Sounds like someone just made that up or mumbled something, right? That’s exactly how it happened. Originally, when English-speaking children recited the alphabet they included the ampersand after Z, considering it the 27^th letter. Properly spoken, it would go “X, Y, Z, and per se and.” Per se simply means “in place of,” meaning the symbol that represents the word “and.” Eventually, this mouthful at the end of the alphabet became slurred by lazy schoolchildren and was dropped altogether by lazy adults.

And there you have it, the humble origins and complex meaning of our totally awesome logogram. No longer do will you have to shamefully hang your head with ignorance (and maybe even shame) when someone asks what that screwed up percentage sign is doing in the club name. Tell them it’s an ampersand—and then tell them to flick off, or else they’ll be messing with a whole subbuteo club of trouble.

Yours truly,

T-Dexxx